#1
Hey this is my first song I've posted on here. It's still in the early stages but I wanted to see what you guys think just on a dry read.

Energy and chemicals
One's the soul, but the other's in control
You feel like falling into a dream
Where the rules you've always followed no longer mean anything
I hope you know which way to go
One of these paths leads down a dead end road
They're both stories of your life
We'll live between them, side by side

Chrous
I can't compare this to any feeling that I've ever felt before
Your arms, so warm and welcoming
Our matress on the floor
Sweet freedom, our eyes have dried
I can't express how I feel inside
I wish we could stop the passing of time
And live forever and in this paradise

Turn on the air so we can breathe
Feel the pounding rhythm pulsing now beneath our feet
Let's sync up our hearts and hands
This revelation in something they can't understand
So pack your bags, I'll start the car
Don't wake your folks or we won't get far
I know a place where we can stay
It ain't much but we can hide away

Chorus

Bridge
If there's something you haven't said
Now's the time, now's the time
If there's something you're keeping inside
Now's the time, now's the time

Guitar solo

Chorus

Paradise is a state of mind
A night like this could change our lives
Paradise is a state of mind
Paradise is a state of mind


(Mailed to myself for copyright purposes)
#2
By what you've said, I see this is your first work so I'll just focus of advice mostely...

First, story. When I read your work here, I had absolutely no idea what that was about. It is almost like an "ignorence is bliss" type thinking. It doesn't need to be completely serious. A little humor is the best for poetry, that's what we all like to hear.

Second, Imagry. Imagry, imagry, imagry. Paint a picture for the rest of us to experience. We need to live what you're feeling. Completely describe everything perfectly without inturupting the purpose of your writing. An exercise you should start doing is: go outside, and walk around your nieghborhood or where-ever you live and just look around a while. Now start describing everything you see to the imaginary blind man next to you. Talk about all the colours, all the kids, everything you see. Now describe what you're hearing to the deaf man on you other side. Describe every sound. Just remember, when writing poetry, feellings first, imagry second. My example. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1349916 Now keep in mind, I have a bad habit of ignoring the first rule, so be sure to follow each rule respectively.

Third, relativity to the readers. It needs to be about or written in a way that the majority of the populas reading this work can relate to it and feel what you're feeling. This goes very well with the first rule, but should be focused on after the second. My example, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1355419

Now that is all the help I can give at the moment, since I too am a novice at this style of work. One last thing I can give you, meditation: sit back, and close your eyes, focus only on your breating, in and out and in and out and in. Now you're going to have thoughts move through your head, just awknowledge them, and let them drift off. Then after you feel completely relaxed, start writing some of these ideas before lettin them go. Just keep in mind that it is very rarely poety (at least not for me) they are just subjects and ideas for a later pass time Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 30, 2010,
#3
Thanks for the advice! The links you included were very helpful too.
There really isn't a story behind this song, and its really about several different things at once so I wanted to leave it purposefully open to interpretation. I'll do a little rewriting and edit this asap.
#4
I really like it . I interpret it as a story about a couple that starts exploring their lives together, and I like the way how it is described through various small events and feelings without actually naming it. I don't know if this was your intention, but that's what I make of it anyway .
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#5
Thanks bartender Yes, it is partly about a couple moving out on their own together. I'm glad you got what I was going for with the small "snapshots" of events.
#6
i like it!! n good to know i figured the right meaning before seeing the comments good job!! keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.