#1
Just wondering what you guys would think of this, we (the band I'm in) are going to record a few songs soon and I don't want them to contain any bad grammar or other itchy things (I'm not a native english speaker). Be aware that my lyrics are usually quite metaphorical .

This song is called Good Weather For A Change Of Course. I hope you will understand what it's about from reading it, otherwise I wouldn't be satisfied with this piece .


Wearing down the words to
a sentimental state
block the doors and tell the guards to wait

Floating out the chimney
You burn the past away
Laying out your hopes and dreams today

...

Forcing out the violent steel
Yet feeding on the fire
Every step is one we need to wire

So wipe the storm a way and
give yourself a break
Feeling more with every breath you take

...

Do you remember me?
It's been quite some time
Waiting for the flood
We were next in line
Everything was lost
Running through the storm
I think the weather's good
For a change of course

...

Good weather
For a change of course
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
Last edited by the bartender at Sep 7, 2010,
#2
Wearing down the words to
a sentimental state
block the doors and tell the guards to wait
Now the last line sounds great. But to me it doesn't seem to match the first two lines. If anything, I think you should change out the frist couple lines to fit the oncoming story, and the final line.

Floating out the chimney
You burn the past away
Laying out your hopes and dreams today
Again the last line doesn't fit the first two. Though this time it's the first ones that sound best. Now I haven't read any further, but in my oppinion, take these first two lines of this stanza and take the last line of the previous stanza and just create one stanza

...

Forcing out the violent steel
Yet feeding on the fire
Every step is one we need to wire
I am not sure about what this is even talking about. You're forcing some steel somewhere, then your eating your dinner on the fire, and then we're walking on some wire. Try to make the story flow a little better

So wipe the storm a way and
give yourself a break
Feeling more with every breath you take
Now this sounds better, but I haven't found any story to fit it with

...

Do you remember me?
It's been quite some time
Waiting for the flood
We were next in line
Everything was lost
Running through the storm
I think the weather's good
For a change of course
Ok, now this clearifies what the story is. But it really could be written with imagry that makes sense, and it helps to let us know what the story is early on

Now this just sounds like you took a lot of good sounding lines and tried to make a song out of it. True poetry doesn't work that way. You write lines around the story, not the story around the lines Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
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#3
thank you very much for your suggestions .

I have to admit that I intentionaly made it unclear what the story is about untill the very end of the song, but I do realise that's something not everyone would appreciate. I personally like it when the meaning of the lyrics isn't directly clear to me on first listen.

If I had to explain the story in one sentence it would be this: It describes someone who has had a tough experience in life and takes some time to 'rewire' himself (the four verses) before stepping out into the real world again, looking back on what happened and feeling that he/she is ready for new experiences.

I agree with you that in the first three verses the third line doesn't 'fit' the first two, as it describes a new 'part' of the situation the person is in. a bit like pieces of a puzzle. Do you mind explaining to me what would be the benifit of keeping it limited to one 'piece' per verse? I'd appreciate it .

as for the third verse, this is what I meant with my lyrics being very metaphorical . It basically means 'trying to force out the anger/pain, while actually gaining a certain strength from it as well.' In the last line I meant 'wire' as in wiring a computer, which makes it 'needing to think carefully about every decision you make'. I understand that this could be a bit too metaphorical for anyone to actually understand it though, so I think making it a bit clearer could indeed help.

now that I'm re-reading itl the last line of the second verse is the one that I'm the least content with, so I'm definitely changing that one.
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
Last edited by the bartender at Aug 30, 2010,
#4
You should, in my opinion, worry less about how well the reader/listener understands it. As it stands, the piece is somewhat vague, but that is more because of its simplicity.
#5
Quote by ultimatedaver
You should, in my opinion, worry less about how well the reader/listener understands it. As it stands, the piece is somewhat vague, but that is more because of its simplicity.


Yea you might be right there, people will form their own interpretation of it anyway , which in the end only makes it easier for them to relate to it.

In what sense do you think it's simplistic? do you mean the actual content or the structure of the song?
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#6
Quote by the bartender


Wearing down the words to
a sentimental state
block the doors and tell the guards to wait

Floating out the chimney
You burn the past away
Laying out your hopes and dreams today
^^Are these two stanza's supposed to be screamed? they come off to me as a hard rock song or slow acoustic at that :P

...

Forcing out the violent steel
Yet feeding on the fire
Every step is one we need to wire
^^Last line seems, strange. doesn't seem to really matter to the rest of the stanza. Just kind of a filler I guess.

So wipe the storm *away* and
^^Maybe just get rid of 'and'
give yourself a break
Feeling more with every breath you take

...

Do you remember me?
It's been quite some time
Waiting for the flood
We were next in line
Everything was lost
Running through the storm
^^Damn, such a good stanza, I love the premise, but this line ruin's it for me, change it up so it rhymes with the last line, and you'll have yourself a damn good stanza there
I think the weather's good
For a change of course

...

Good weather
For a change of course


This piece had a really good ending, although rather short, it was very good.
So I liked it
7/10
C4C?
#7
Quote by Caboose911
This piece had a really good ending, although rather short, it was very good.
So I liked it
7/10
C4C?


thanks for your comments .

the song actually starts very quiet , though the vocals do bring a lot of tension into it. This tension keeps building during the first four stanza's, before being released in the last two parts (the last two lines are repeated a few times at the end).

The third stanza might be a bit too metaphorical, it makes sense in my head but it probably doesn't for anyone else.

I realise that the 'and' in the fourth stanza looks a bit strange, but I wrote it down the way it is sung rather than making it look nice. Removing it would sound very strange though .

I know that 'storm' doesn't actually rhyme with 'course', but it sounds like it does when I sing it (with course becoming "couhuoooooooooooooooooourse"). I tried actually rhyming it, but somehow I liked this 'not-quite-a-rhyme' better.
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#8
Quote by the bartender
Yea you might be right there, people will form their own interpretation of it anyway , which in the end only makes it easier for them to relate to it.

In what sense do you think it's simplistic? do you mean the actual content or the structure of the song?


In its structure, more than anything. I think someone above said this, but it feels like you found a bunch of good rhymes then stuck them together. I don't feel like there's a coherent flow between the verses.

Don't let this get you down though. If I'm critiquing it its cause I like it.
#9
Quote by ultimatedaver
In its structure, more than anything. I think someone above said this, but it feels like you found a bunch of good rhymes then stuck them together. I don't feel like there's a coherent flow between the verses.

Don't let this get you down though. If I'm critiquing it its cause I like it.


ah ok, I agree with that .

As I said before, I made the verses incoherent on purpose, because they're all little pieces of the puzzle. Like with a puzzle, the individual pieces only make sense when you put the together to see the full picture. I thought that describing the situation through the pieces rather than immediately drawing the full picture would make it more interesting, but I can understand that it may be a bit confusing.

I'll never let any criticism let me down , I only appreciate it .
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#10
Quote by the bartender
As I said before, I made the verses incoherent on purpose, because they're all little pieces of the puzzle. Like with a puzzle, the individual pieces only make sense when you put the together to see the full picture. I thought that describing the situation through the pieces rather than immediately drawing the full picture would make it more interesting


Guess i'm the only one who is gonna say that i dont have a problem with the structure(that might be because my own songs are all over the place)But really i like your idea of creating a puzzle for a song and your use of words was awesome also i could imagine the scene as i read although it all made sense only in the end but you got some real talentWould love to see more works from you, this time the usual, boring,making sense from the begining song if you pls
Keep writing!
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 6, 2010,
#11
Okay, this is really nice actually. I like the metaphorical appearance, and its simplicity. One thing i can advise on, is to make it way longer. I mean it's not extremely short. but i couldn't imagine these lyrics turning into an average lengthed song. Unless you had like..a 2 min instrumental introduction, and a really long solo (: no offence that is.. Soo i think you should make this longer. That's all i can really say? Oh! and yea, the lyrics are over all very very nice (: real tight. Nice job!



C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1348545
#12
Quote by BloodCold
Guess i'm the only one who is gonna say that i dont have a problem with the structure(that might be because my own songs are all over the place)But really i like your idea of creating a puzzle for a song and your use of words was awesome also i could imagine the scene as i read although it all made sense only in the end but you got some real talentWould love to see more works from you, this time the usual, boring,making sense from the begining song if you pls
Keep writing!


Thank you , I believe you already found the new piece .

Quote by Maddita
Okay, this is really nice actually. I like the metaphorical appearance, and its simplicity. One thing i can advise on, is to make it way longer. I mean it's not extremely short. but i couldn't imagine these lyrics turning into an average lengthed song. Unless you had like..a 2 min instrumental introduction, and a really long solo (: no offence that is.. Soo i think you should make this longer. That's all i can really say? Oh! and yea, the lyrics are over all very very nice (: real tight. Nice job!


thank you as well . The song is actually around 4,5 minutes long, so it is average lengthed . there's quite a few instrumental bits (no solo's though, it's absolutely not the kind of song for that), and it starts out very slow and quiet. I understand that it might seem as if these lyrics are way too short for a 4,5 minutes song (and they would be if it had a normal structure), but it really doesn't need any more than this .
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore