#1
Hey

It's been a while since I've wrote something, and I was severely bored so I wrote this Doesn't have a deep meaning Just nice sounding phrases, inspired by the idea of astral projection and by some nice sights seen

Its still one song, but split into four movements.

The Midnight Fog

I. The Midnight Fog.

I walked
I Roamed
Through the Midnight Fog
As The Final Light
Shone Through the Tree Lines.
The Twisted roots
rise above the trees.
The Twisted roots
beneath the leaves.

I walked
I roamed
Through the Astral Plane
Projected myself through
the neural maze.
The Twisted roots
leave my mind defragmentised.
These Twisted roots.

II. The Astral Planes.

These Lachrymose hills
call out to me.
These Lachrymose hills
are lost on me.

I can see myself
hanging from the
upside down tree.
Lucidity Humidity.
Invested Projected.

I can't remember ?
Did you not see ?
Is this a Dream ?
Is this a Dream ?

I can see myself
hanging from the
upside down tree.
I can't see myself at all.
My Visions Obscured.
I can't open my eyes.

III. Amnesia

Is this a dream ?
Or is this Lucidity Reality ?
Can you hear the wolves calling ?
Calling for me ?
Im just prey.
Im just prey.
Lucidity Humidity
Im just prey.

Im lost along this trail
of Existential Truth.
Just a nihilist in amongst
a sceptics nightmare.

IV. Lachrymosaic

I walked
I Roamed
Through the Midnight Fog
As The Final Light
Shone Through the Tree Lines.
The Twisted roots
rise above the trees.
The Twisted roots
beneath the leaves.

I piece together the beauty
in this fragmented paradise.
The Puzzle of truth.
I've looked into the depths
of this failsafe.
Im Lost.
#2


I. The Midnight Fog.

I walked
I Roamed
Through the Midnight Fog
As The Final Light
Shone Through the Tree Lines.
The Twisted roots
rise above the trees.
The Twisted roots
beneath the leaves.
^^I liked this stanza, even though it had no really 'deep' meaning, it was still well written and well said.
I don't really have much to pick at besides the first two lines, though vital to the piece, don't rhyme with anything else in the stanza so re-reading it, they don't seem to flow..

I walked
I roamed
Through the Astral Plane
Projected myself through
the neural maze.
The Twisted roots
leave my mind defragmentised.
^^defragmentised? that is a huge word and punches the flow in the eye, i suggest changing it.
These Twisted roots.

II. The Astral Planes.

These Lachrymose hills
call out to me.
^^maybe put they in front of this line.
These Lachrymose hills
are lost on me.
^^again with the 'they'.

I can see myself
hanging from the
upside down tree.
Lucidity Humidity.
Invested Projected.
^^strange but nice stanza here.
I like how it left me thinking... about what it meant :P


I can't remember ?
Did you not see ?
Is this a Dream ?
Is this a Dream ?
^^Mabye instead of repeating 'is this a dream' change it up? make it something like...
A sweet sweet dream.


I can see myself
hanging from the
upside down tree.
I can't see myself at all.
My Visions Obscured.
I can't open my eyes.
^^This stanza seems very bumpy (flow-wise) Not sure if I like it.

III. Amnesia

Is this a dream ?
Or is this Lucidity Reality ?
Can you hear the wolves calling ?
Calling for me ?
Im just prey.
Im just prey.
^^again, instead of repeating change it up? maybe...
should I stay?

Lucidity Humidity
Im just prey.

Im lost along this trail
of Existential Truth.
Just a nihilist in amongst
a sceptics nightmare.
^^I like this stanza a lot actually, it's really good. While not meaning much, still sounds good.

IV. Lachrymosaic

I walked
I Roamed
Through the Midnight Fog
As The Final Light
Shone Through the Tree Lines.
The Twisted roots
rise above the trees.
The Twisted roots
beneath the leaves.
^^again, love the stanza.

I piece together the beauty
in this fragmented paradise.
The Puzzle of truth.
I've looked into the depths
of this failsafe.
Im Lost.
this seemed like an awkward end to a half-decent piece. you could have made it better. Maybe even just omit the stanza? end off with the,
The Twisted roots,
beneath the leaves...


Over-all it was decent, I mean nothing really struck me as amazing, but nothing was really that bad.
6.5/10
I like it... but it doesn't really have a meaning with me. It's good, but I just don't like it as much as other's would.
C4C?
Last edited by Caboose911 at Aug 30, 2010,
#3
Thanks Ill work on some of them. However defragmentised, when I played it out in my head with vocal melodies, followed onto the next line, hence there only being one 'These Twisted Roots'

I also want to keep 'Is this a Dream ?', Mainly because the first thing everyone suggests to induce lucid dreams into do something like look at the time and ask 'Is this a dream?'

Ill work on the rest

Thanks

EDIT:

Looking at the poem again I can see a few clever things I honestly didn't notice before, I'm not sure if they were intentional but they work quite well. It's probably me just being over analytical about it, but still
Last edited by ultrasonic at Aug 31, 2010,
#4
amm... i liked this alot!! aaa.... it was seriously more than decent!! but i think you should change this stanza like this-

I can see myself
hanging upside down the tree.
Lucidity Humidity.
Invested Projected

i actually like it because it has "on your face" meaning(if you know wat i mean) since i believe some of the songs here that have deeep meaning to it are so deeep that it seems either meaningless lines/ big bunch of words to me!! i like it. keep on writing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#5
Quote by ultrasonic
I walked
I Roamed
Through the Midnight Fog
As The Final Light
Shone Through the Tree Lines.
The Twisted roots
rise above the trees.
The Twisted roots
beneath the leaves.
I like this stanza, except for the last line. the rhyming seems a tad 'simple' here

I walked
I roamed
Through the Astral Plane
Projected myself through
the neural maze.
The Twisted roots
leave my mind defragmentised.
These Twisted roots.
I like the end here though, it makes me expect another line, which doesn't come. I like that

II. The Astral Planes.

These Lachrymose hills Lachrymose is now officially my favorite word
call out to me.
These Lachrymose hills
are lost on me.
like someone suggested, putting they in front of the second and fourth line would make it look nicer

I can see myself
hanging from the
upside down tree.
Lucidity Humidity.
Invested Projected.

I can't remember ?
Did you not see ?
Is this a Dream ?
Is this a Dream ?

I can see myself
hanging from the
upside down tree.
I can't see myself at all. a bit of a contradiction here
My Visions Obscured.
I can't open my eyes.

III. Amnesia

Is this a dream ?
Or is this Lucidity Reality ?
Can you hear the wolves calling ?
Calling for me ?
Im just prey.
Im just prey.
Lucidity Humidity
Im just prey.
I LOVE this. really. fucking. LOVE IT.

Im lost along this trail
of Existential Truth.
Just a nihilist in amongst what's that 'in' doing there? could be my bad knowledge of english grammar though.
a sceptics nightmare.

IV. Lachrymosaic

I walked
I Roamed
Through the Midnight Fog
As The Final Light
Shone Through the Tree Lines.
The Twisted roots
rise above the trees.
The Twisted roots
beneath the leaves.
same comment as before, though I want to say that I really like the idea of ending where you begin .

I piece together the beauty
in this fragmented paradise.
The Puzzle of truth.
I've looked into the depths
of this failsafe.
Im Lost.
love the ending as well


and you said it was an "abomination of a piece"?

You are really underestimating yourself, my dear friend .
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#6
Thanks Mate, I really appreciate the crit I didn't notice that contradiction but It did make me laugh Well spotted Ill try and make some of them changes now

Thanks

Also Thanks to the Person Before