#1
this might be pretty sloppy, weird summer.

in the way that our footsteps made the sound of cracking husks...

still scared like-
what if i'm breaching boundaries?
still washing my hands of baltimore and
that shitty metal band we saw, from spotlights and
smoke machines to sitting across from
her in an all-night diner and both of us jealous of
the snow up north,
hanging above the streetlights outside or
in the cityscapes i scribble on napkins to convince
myself we're both "really here",
because while we would have never left the house if
the streets were covered, december is just left cold
and there's nothing to make me want to face it.


still thinking of death like-
she can only pull so many four-leafed clovers
from the ground, to press them in books
and sleep on the couch.
now they litter a nightstand i barely use,
shriveled and crumbling while i wait in the most suffocating
shopping center for her to return,
because while it's nice to have her in my life for a few days,
she's at the airport crying for a friend,
and there's another we have that's asleep in her grave,
and the trees where i wait are all manicured into
geometric shapes, prisms and spheres next to benchs made
from the sleekest alloys and
surrounded by glass panes-
the hallmarks of some perfect future where transportation
takes people even further away,
but none of it seems very utopian to me.
Last edited by brokencoastline at Aug 30, 2010,
#2
old friends are still always there; they were real and living during some part of your life. I hope you're doing well. I have a free muffin at panera

edit: I'll give a real crit to this when I can
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
thankyou as always Saadia. I'm just amazed at how one absence is permanent and another is temporary and how they both feel basically the same. i'm doing well though i could use a free muffin at panera.
#4
It reads like a weird summer.

To me that says incredible amounts, describes it to the moment, you know? It's like, what's left of a city after you've left it behind? Hot sun and that eeirie melting feeling when you encounter lots of pigeons in that dying for ben and jerry's kind of heat. The girl always has to make things awkwardly emotional, during those moments when you're already thinking consciously 'I'm going to remember this, her, here, now." But we don't recollect on those for some time to come, for when we need it again, to remember it fondly when being bitter just isn't working anymore.

I don't think perfect builds up Utopian enough - it doesn't justify being parallel to one another. Therefore utopian seems out of place, out of the poem's character. Perhaps that was the point, I'm none to say. The second stanza nevertheless did great things for me. Thank you.
#5
these last few lines remind me (though i hadnt forgotten) why you are one of my favorite writers here even though you've only dropped a few on us. i caught myself repeating them in my head throughout the day today. love it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me