#1
Second song that's up for recording, please tell me what you think . I'm warning you guys for a lot of metaphors again .

The final steps you take
When all the wheels are turning against you
You're teaching me how to fall
With open arms I embrace the earth

Hopelessly trying to crawl
Back into the wounds you're hoping to salve
Feeling the ground as I move
Like a newborn again


Don't let go of your fears
They will save you soon
Don't hide the world from your tears
Keep your hands off the moon


Watching the sun fall down
When I'm trying so hard to keep up to the rays
Using the shards to remove
The summer nights you loved


Don't let go of your fears
They will save you soon
Don't hide the world from your tears
Keep your hands off the moon

...

If you could rain down
All your love on us
We'd still believe in
Your search for trust
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#2
wow! thats really good!! only problem is the last line of verse3 "The summer nights you loved" sounds a bit flat. the rest is totally cOol!! keep on writing oh yeah i really liked the ending
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#3
Quote by leafwhisperer
wow! thats really good!! only problem is the last line of verse3 "The summer nights you loved" sounds a bit flat. the rest is totally cOol!! keep on writing oh yeah i really liked the ending


thank you very much . I agree that the last line of that verse sounds a bit too 'simple' compared to the rest, I'll see if I can come up with something better. maybe changing the third line as well, to make it fit with the first two.
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#4
Quote by the bartender
Second song that's up for recording, please tell me what you think . I'm warning you guys for a lot of metaphors again .

The final steps you take
When all the wheels are turning against you
^^instead write
when all the wheels turn against you
You're teaching me how to fall
With open arms I embrace the earth
^^"your/this call"might sound better instead of "the earth"
Hopelessly trying to crawl
Back into the wounds you're hoping to salve
^^add a break in this line "...wounds,you're..."
Feeling the ground as I move
Like a newborn again


Don't let go of your fears
They will save you soon
Don't hide the world from your tears
Keep your hands off the moon


Watching the sun fall down
When I'm trying so hard to keep up to the rays
^^Though i'm trying so hard to keep up to the rays
Using the shards to remove
The summer nights you loved
^^Those memories,the summer nights you loved

Don't let go of your fears
They will save you soon
Don't hide the world from your tears
Keep your hands off the moon

...

If you could rain down
All your love on us
We'd still believe in
Your search for trust


These changes make it sound better in my opinion,take it or leave it is your choice
Really there was nothing to nit pick at,just simple rearranging.I really liked it,lovely endingKeep writing!
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 1, 2010,
#5


The final steps you take
When all the wheels are turning against you
You're teaching me how to fall
With open arms I embrace the earth

I like this, not much I can say here. The second line feels a bit forced and a bit two long. Maybe move the first couple of words to the first line.

Hopelessly trying to crawl
Back into the wounds you're hoping to salve
Feeling the ground as I move
Like a newborn again

Same. All good. Second line seems to long, unless thats what your going for, or it sounds alright to you then ignore my comments

Don't let go of your fears
They will save you soon
Don't hide the world from your tears
Keep your hands off the moon

Assuming this is a chorus. It Works well in context with the piece, and I cant find anything wrong with it. Although, shouldn't it be the other way around'Don't hid the tears from the world'. Doesn't matter though, still sounds great

Watching the sun fall down
When I'm trying so hard to keep up to the rays
Using the shards to remove
The summer nights you loved

This is my Least favourite Stanza/Verse. It all seems forced, especially the second line, which doesnt seem to fit in. Maybe substitute it to 'I lift my eyes to meet your face' or something along those lines


Don't let go of your fears
They will save you soon
Don't hide the world from your tears
Keep your hands off the moon

Already Done
...

If you could rain down
All your love on us
We'd still believe in
Your search for trust

Great conclusive ending. Nought wrong with this.

Great Song/Poem overall. Also Props for changing the rhyming pattern for the chorus


Sorry for the crap Crit.

Crit my abomination of a piece ?

The Midnight Fog
#6
Quote by BloodCold
These changes make it sound better in my opinion,take it or leave it is your choice
Really there was nothing to nit pick at,just simple rearranging.I really liked it,lovely endingKeep writing!


thanks a lot for your suggestions .

Quote by BloodCold
When all the wheels are turning against you
^^instead write
when all the wheels turn against you

I agree that in a written state this looks better, but it's a pretty tight vocal line here .

Quote by BloodCold
With open arms I embrace the earth
^^"your/this call"might sound better instead of "the earth"

I don't really get what you mean here, what would your version of this line be?

Quote by BloodCold
Back into the wounds you're hoping to salve
^^add a break in this line "...wounds,you're..."

I agree that this looks better, that's actually the way I'm singing it too .

Quote by BloodCold
When I'm trying so hard to keep up to the rays
^^Though i'm trying so hard to keep up to the rays
Using the shards to remove
The summer nights you loved
^^Those memories,the summer nights you loved

the first suggestion would be better indeed, but I'm thinking about changing this entire stanza anyway (keeping either the first two lines or the last two). the second suggestion is nice, but wouldn't fit with the vocal line at all .

__________________________________________________

Quote by ultrasonic
Sorry for the crap Crit.

Crit my abomination of a piece ?

The Midnight Fog


thank you very much for your suggestion as well (btw, your piece isn't an abomination at all, I loved it ).

Quote by ultrasonic
I like this, not much I can say here. The second line feels a bit forced and a bit two long. Maybe move the first couple of words to the first line.

Same. All good. Second line seems to long, unless thats what your going for, or it sounds alright to you then ignore my comments

As I mentioned above, this is indeed due to the vocal lines and entirely intentional.

Quote by ultrasonic
Assuming this is a chorus. It Works well in context with the piece, and I cant find anything wrong with it. Although, shouldn't it be the other way around 'Don't hide the tears from the world'. Doesn't matter though, still sounds great

You're totally right, it should actually be the other way around. That's why I'm keeping it .

Quote by ultrasonic
This is my Least favourite Stanza/Verse. It all seems forced, especially the second line, which doesnt seem to fit in. Maybe substitute it to 'I lift my eyes to meet your face' or something along those lines

I'm still thinking about changing this stanza, I don't like it a lot either. I like your suggestion, I'll see if I can let it inspire me .
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#7
Oh i just thought that the line
"with open arms i embrace the earth"
might sound a tad bit more in flow with the lines above it, if you wrote
"with open arms i embrace this call'
but it all changes with how you sing it anyway
Actually i would like to hear this song if the recording is done and you have a link?
#8
Quote by BloodCold
Oh i just thought that the line
"with open arms i embrace the earth"
might sound a tad bit more in flow with the lines above it, if you wrote
"with open arms i embrace this call'
but it all changes with how you sing it anyway
Actually i would like to hear this song if the recording is done and you have a link?


Ah I see, it wouldn't really make any sense anymore that way though .

We're still working on the instrumentals for this song (it's kind of a huge project, we need an additional bassist (as our own bassist plays sax on this one) and even a choir ), but the recordings are planned for october. I'll post links here ofcourse once it's done .
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#9
if anyone is interested in hearing a rough demo for this, just give me a shout (PM).
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#10
i agree with a few of the people who have posted on here,
"Feeling the ground as I move
Like a newborn again'
does sound a little flat, not sure what your going for but it 'womb' jumped out at it, so maybe something like
"Feeling the ground as I move
just as i did after the womb''


Watching the sun fall down
When I'm trying so hard to keep up to the rays
'did seem a lil weak and again instead of rays i had 'gaze' come to mind. maybe something like
Watching the sun fall down
when im trying so hard just to hold your gaze'

The final steps you take
When all the wheels are turning against you
You're teaching me how to fall
With open arms I embrace the earth

just the last two lines, i can see the relationship between 'fall' and 'earth' but they just dont seem to sound good together. hows about
'your teaching me how to hurt
with open arms i embrace the earth' also embracing the earth can be interpreted in a few different ways, im guessing you want to convey a fall but it could also mean opening up to all things earthy/worldy.

good piece dude, keep it up.