#1
Alright, this is my new song. I was hoping for some feedback.

You know that I loved you,
Now I’m watching from above you,
You wear your emotions on your sleeve,
I know you don’t want me to leave, VERSE 1 (male)
Don’t you even shed one tear,
I want you to know I’m right here,

The Thirst Of Anger, Only Quenched By Pain & Sorrow,
I’ll Miss You, But I Won’t, Be With You Tomorrow, CHORUS (both)
As You Read This, Know I’m Okay,
I Loved You Yesterday, But Now I’m In A Better Place

I Always Think Of You Tearfully,
I Remember Our Time Together Happily,
I’ll Never Forget Our Memories, VERSE 2 (female)
I Wish It Was Still “Us” And “We”
I Pray To God Everyday, That You Hear Me,

The Thirst Of Anger, Only Quenched By Pain & Sorrow,
I’ll Miss You, But I Won’t, Be With You Tomorrow, CHORUS (both)
As You Read This, Know I’m Okay,
I Loved You Yesterday, But Now I’m In A Better Place

As I Lie Here {lie here (echos)} I Try To Avoid All My Fears, (Female)
As I Lie Here {lie here (echos)} I Wipe Away All Of These Tears (Male)
When The Night Comes, {the night comes (echos)} I Sit & Think Of You, (Female)
When The Night Comes {the night comes (echos)} I Bid You My Final Ado, (Male)

The Thirst Of Anger, Only Quenched By Pain & Sorrow,
I’ll Miss You, But I Won’t, Be With You Tomorrow, CHORUS (both)
As You Read This, Know I’m Okay,
I Loved You Yesterday, But Now I’m In A Better Place
#2
Honestly, I feel like the tone of the chorus contrasts too harshly with the tone of the verse. You've got a good idea, but i'd reword the chorus so it matches the rest of the song more.
#4
Quote by lespaulkid123
Alright, this is my new song. I was hoping for some feedback.

You know that I loved you,
Now I’m watching from above you,
^^ I don't like how you rhymed you with you.
You wear your emotions on your sleeve,
I know you *didn't* want me to leave, VERSE 1 (male)
^^From what I got from this piece, the man was dead, so i figured past tense would work better.
Don’t you even shed one tear,
I want you to know I’m right here,
^^I really like the end of this stanza. it's very powerful.

The Thirst Of Anger, Only Quenched By Pain & Sorrow,
I’ll Miss You, But I Won’t, Be With You Tomorrow, CHORUS (both)
As You Read This, Know I’m Okay,
I Loved You Yesterday, But Now I’m In A Better Place
^^I don't like the highlighted line, I know it has to be said, but it seems to be a speedbump in the flow. I like but hate it at the same time.

I Always Think Of You Tearfully,
I Remember Our Time Together Happily,
I’ll Never Forget Our Memories, VERSE 2 (female)
I Wish It Was Still “Us” And “We”
I Pray To God Everyday, *only* That You Hear Me,
^^the word only popped into my head as I read that line, it seems to improve the flow of the stanza very well. So far this is my favorite group of lines you've written

The Thirst Of Anger, Only Quenched By Pain & Sorrow,
I’ll Miss You, But I Won’t, Be With You Tomorrow, CHORUS (both)
As You Read This, Know I’m Okay,
I Loved You Yesterday, But Now I’m In A Better Place

As I Lie Here {lie here (echos)} I Try To Avoid All My Fears, (Male)
As I Lie Here {lie here (echos)} I Wipe Away All Of These Tears (Female)
When The Night Comes, {the night comes (echos)} I Sit & Think Of You, (Female)
When The Night Comes {the night comes (echos)} I Bid You My Final Adeu, (Male)
^^Sorry, but to me it seemed more like the male should say that line, it just seemed to fit more.

The Thirst Of Anger, Only Quenched By Pain & Sorrow,
I’ll Miss You, But I Won’t, Be With You Tomorrow, CHORUS (both)
As You Read This, Know I’m Okay,
I Loved You Yesterday, But Now I’m In A Better Place


I like but it has it's flaws. at points the flow becomes bumpy and irritating, and the chorus seems a little to overpowering over the verses. but it's all a good piece of work. I like but it could use some work
7/10
C4C? (Critique4Critique?)
#5
Hi,

Please give the rules a read through, specifically paying attention to the posting limits and the titles sections. They are in the announcement at the top of the main S&L forum. I will close this thread... and you may post it again with a proper title, when you have also waited a proper length of time from your last thread.

Thanks,

zC