#1
i fell asleep with my shirt off
on my best friends front porch up in the woods
his parents were at work now
so we sat out on the steps
rubbed the sleep from our eyes
and listened to the rain that falls from the trees
after the skies had closed up
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Sep 1, 2010,
#2
loved the last line. other parts were great too but it didn't seem to work overall for me. you captured the tone nicely, but i'm not sure. i have no idea what im saying, but you know i like everything you do.
#3
i feel like there's more to this, but i also feel like less could be said... some of the details were distracting.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
I was waiting for the harmonica to come out. A lovely wake and bake afternoon

It feels like how I remember North Carolina. Pearly rainstorms.


[Sorry I don't have a couple of paragraphs of jibberish here.]
#5
I think it would be better if the line breaks were better. Perhaps less of them. It feels like this should have a certain flow to it, conversational, but the way the lines are broken up hinders that.

Otherwise, good stuff. Love the simplicity, the way you capture a moment without adding anything that isn't necessary.
kill all humans