Your walking away from what I should be
Words said on our backs
set back in our tracks
building our memmories to keep us relaxed
tearing them down to set us free

I cant self destruct, might as well assist
Forgiven, forgotton
Love you were once in
Bearing a burden I still want to believe in
Feeling an attraction that doesnt exist

Your right, im wrong,for far too long
Desperate sighs
Pain peirces our eyes
Together we'll watch as my world dies
You'll stay in tact, you will not retract

A casualty of ill guided ignorant hope
The dreams that we made
Ill watch as they fade
Turning to stone as your feelings degrade
No one will see, it stays with me
Once upon a time, there was a brilliant UGer named redwingsuck, and I thought you were him for a moment. Now that I'm here, your piece:


Your quintain form is [thankfully not a limerick] quality but inconsistent. The rhyme scheme starts off like an envelope quintet (I like the 2 and 3 shortened lines, despite the abbreviated syllabic variation.


translation: don't be so hasty to break a pattern. There was something good going there, and for some reason the third stanza kills it. If you're going to start it, commit to it.

aurally, this bounces around like a 16-year-old's notebook - so many words that say the same thing over and over and over again - walking away, self destruct, desperate, pain piercing*, dies, casualty, ill guided ignorance, as your feelings degrade (a bit redundant, don't you think?) By all means, keep the idea there - you wouldn't be posting it here if you didn't believe in it at least a little, so keep it up, but try to think of a more original approach. It begins well enough, but quickly reverts to the cliché (I don't use that term loosely, nor with any insult). It could be as simple as looking in a thesaurus (no shame in it!) and playing around with words you may not be as familiar with. You'll find a good style, I'm confident of it based on what you have here. Keep writing

an Avalanche fan