#1
This isn't my best work, but it is my latest. I'd like to get some feedback on how I'm doing. I was in the process of writing a concept album and this song came into my head out of nowhere but has nothing to do with that concept. I guess that's not relevant... Anyway:

Scream Queen (working title, trying to think of a better one)

She's got the moon in her eyes
Beyond the pale disguise
She's a living dead queen of screams
The rope was tied too tight
Around my throat last night
And now I'm dying in my dreams

I want to speak to her in tongues
Let the blood pervade both of my lungs

She turns the lights off
Everything fades away

I've constructed my tomb
For the impending doom
There's gonna be a bloody mess
I got a razorblade
Suicide serenade
Finding new ways too transgress

I want to speak to her in tongues
Let the blood pervade both of my lungs


c4c...
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
Last edited by dethskar0 at Sep 2, 2010,
#2
Short and to the point, and this is a really good peice. Some of the rhymes seem a little forced and out of place, but it works perfectly at the same time.

The rope was tied too tight
Around my throat last night
And now I'm dying in my dreams

This part I really liked. The first two lines seemed a bit cliché to start with, but then the last line made it go out with a bang. Couldn't have put that part better myself.

Thanks for your crit.
#3
I like it !
Im not keen on the words 'pervade' and 'constructed' ..dont know why, but I think you could find a better synonym.

She's a living dead queen of screams'
I like the use of the oxymoron in this line
#4
Actually I'm not too thrilled about 'pervade' and 'constructed' either. The problem is, I couldn't find better synonyms.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#5
I dig it. Quick, concise, but was a very intense peice none the less. You were able to turn cliche statements into the serious nature they were meant to have by throwing in the clever and unexpected. Well done there.

I can really hear this in my head, which is good, it means the rthymns flowed well.

Good work overall!

C4C? Sig.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#6
its good!! it had that dark feeling to it that was put up very well! i'll give it 8/10 n to help with title maybe try "living dead queen" or "queen of screams" hope i helped a bit keep on writing!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.
#7
In the second line 'Beyond this pale disguise' might make more sense?
Substitude "pervade" with "overcome" maybe?Substitude "constructed" with "visualized" in any case get rid of "constructed",its too simple and stands out against the rest...
Love,love,love the whole verse1
Really like this piece,nice imaginary and good use of wordsKeep writing!

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1347789
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 3, 2010,
#9
Quote by BloodCold
In the second line 'Beyond this pale disguise' might make more sense?
Substitude "pervade" with "overcome" maybe?Substitude "constructed" with "visualized" in any case get rid of "constructed",its too simple and stands out against the rest...
Love,love,love the whole verse1
Really like this piece,nice imaginary and good use of wordsKeep writing!

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1347789



There's actually a point to 'beyond the pale disguise' as opposed to 'beyond this pale disguise.'
It fits better with the whole horror theme of the lyrics. 'Beyond the pale' is used a lot in reference to vampires, and I added the word 'disguise' for two reasons. 1, for the rhyme scheme. And 2, because of the particular person it was written about. Thanks for the crit.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.