#1
C4C

like the concern on my neck and the shake in your voice.
i’m due to subside, wither and ache till you make the wrong choice.
to love the man in my mirror, split with a crack.
the desperate i pour from my flask.
and one day you’ll wed dear, but.
i won’t be the one to ask.

calm my nerves and pour me something strong.
so I won’t remember when you do me wrong,
and i’ve been late for your clock once before my dear.
now i’m letting my missing you drip like a faucet.
only hoping you’ll somehow hear.

i still water the garden i grew for you.
now matter how dead it may already be.
how i’ve settled, oh i’ve settled.
like the glass i held when you gave me the worst.
upon a floor, pieces lost from eachother.
my face or name, which did you forget first?
or was it how we needed one another?

a worried man i am.
worried hands i am.

and now i’ve found you again.
at the foot of my bed.
i was ready to smile as you were ready to speak.
i’ve been happy without you were the only words you would let leave.
then you dropped my hand and my smile went weak.

i am the worst there is.
you are the first there is.
i am the worst there is.
i am the worst there is.
only hoping you’ll somehow hear.
Last edited by Coheed777 at Sep 2, 2010,
#2
Quote by Coheed777
like the concern on my neck and the shake in your voice.
i’m due to subside, wither and ache till you make the wrong choice.
to love the man in my mirror, split with a crack.
the desperate i pour from my flask.
and one day you’ll wed dear, but.
i won’t be the one to ask.
I like this stanza, especially the first two lines

calm my nerves and pour me something strong.
so I won’t remember when you do me wrong,
and i’ve been late for your clock once before my dear.
now i’m letting my missing you drip like a faucet.
only hoping you’ll somehow hear.
I like this one as well, although I'd probably like it better if it had the same structure as the one before instead of a slightly different one. I'm not that fond of the last line though, it feels a bit generic.

i still water the garden i grew for you.
now matter how dead it may already be.
how i’ve settled, oh i’ve settled.
like the glass i held when you gave me the worst.
upon a floor, pieces lost from eachother.
my face or name, which did you forget first?
or was it how we needed one another?
This stanza seems a bit 'lost'. There's no real structure to be found. I do like the lines though, except for the last one maybe

a worried man i am.
worried hands i am.
this is great

and now i’ve found you again.
at the foot of my bed.
i was ready to smile as you were ready to speak.
i’ve been happy without you were the only words you would let leave.
then you dropped my hand and my smile went weak.
again, fucking. GREAT.

i am the worst there is.
you are the first there is.
i am the worst there is.
i am the worst there is.
only hoping you’ll somehow hear.
nice ending. Already commented on the last line


I really had to search for any points to critique on, great piece of work !
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore