#1
Verse One
I've read every book,
Now there's nothing left to take
Some days I wish only
for a spade and a noose

Verse Two
For three long days
I sat alone in my chair
The seconds crawl by
As I give in to despair

Chorus
Has tomorrow come,
Or is it still today?
Who could ever tell,
When everything stays the same?

Possible bridge
As every moment bleeds into the next,
They merge, become hard to define,
I can never tell what day it is,
As every moment bleeds into the next.

Outro
And now an impression of me
Settles in that chair, as i leave...

This is a revised version, still missing a third verse, which I will work on sometime soon. Hopefully I can work out some music when I go back to uni next week and I will post an mp3 if I can later.

Thanks to Bloodcold for the 2nd and 3rd lines of the bridge and the Outro verse, and to The Bartender for the suggested changes to the first and second verses.
Last edited by Accipiter at Sep 11, 2010,
#3
thanks for the suggestions, coupe i came up with were rejects or reflects, but yours are better
#4
Quote by Accipiter
Verse One
I've read every book,
Now there's nothing left to take
Some days I wish only
for a noose and spadeI suggest changing 'spade' to 'rake' to make it rhyme. although this stanza would make a lot more sense to me if it ended at noose.

Verse Two
For three long days
I sat alone in my chair
The seconds crawl by
As I slowly give in to despairmaybe get rid of 'slowly'? depends on how it fits with the melody (if it's a song), but it flows better when read.

Chorus
Has tomorrow come,
Or is it still today?I like the not-quite-correct-since-it's-always-todayness of this line
Who could ever tell
As everything stays the same

Possible bridge
As every moment bleeds into the nextgood start so far, I'd try something like 'I feel the fading hours passing by' or something along those lines, then rhyming the next line with the first one again. just my personal opinion though


I like it so far , keep up the good work!
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#5
Quote by Accipiter
Verse One
I've read every book,
Now there's nothing left to take
Some days I wish only
for a noose and spade

Verse Two
For three long days
I sat alone in my chair
The seconds crawl by
As I slowly give in to despair

Chorus
Has tomorrow come,
Or is it still today?
Who could ever tell
As everything stays the same
^^maybe this might sound better?
when,everything stays the same
Possible bridge
As every moment bleeds into the next
^^they merge,become hard to dispher
so,I can never tell what day it is
as every moment bleeds into the next
[my suggestion]Verse 4
I feel the fading hours with dread
I realize this needs to end
And now an impression of me
settles in that chair, as i leave...
As far as I have got atm.
Not sure about last two lines in chorus and I can't think of anything for the rest of the bridge (next is a hard word to rhyme with ). Will C4C

So,I really liked the idea you're working on and hence wanted to contribute...
Did i help at all??If going by my suggestion u'll need to create verse3 and develop your feelings in it while verse4 will be the end.Also i love your line of possible bridge search for something else to go with it even if you dont like my suggestion,its too good to let go
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 3, 2010,
#6
Verse One
I've read every book,
Now there's nothing left to take
Some days I wish only
for a spade and a noose

Verse Two
For three long days
I sat alone in my chair
The seconds crawl by
As I give in to despair

Chorus
Has tomorrow come,
Or is it still today?
Who could ever tell,
When everything stays the same?

Possible bridge
As every moment bleeds into the next,
They merge, become hard to define,
I can never tell what day it is,
As every moment bleeds into the next.

Outro
And now an impression of me
Settles in that chair, as i leave...


Revised version here. Thanks for the suggestions, they were really helpful.

@thebartender, I changed verses one and two as you suggested, it does sound better this way, though I wanted to keep the word spade to imply the feeling of digging ones own grave.

@Bloodcold, Your suggestions for the chorus and bridge I have taken on board though I changed your version of the bridge a little. The fourth verse that you suggested I liked the image of leaving an impression in the chair, but I'm not sure whether I like the first two lines. I may decide to include them once I have music for the piece, I may not, it depends on how the melody turns out i guess.

I probably will write a third verse a little later on, I like the image of grains of sand falling in an hourglass, so that may be the theme, but we'll see how it goes.
Also just wanted to say, this is the second piece I have posted here (The other one is more of a poem, check it out if you liked this one) , feedback on both has been prompt and helpful, so thanks!
#7
Glad i could helpActually the leaving an impression on the chair bit was a brain wave kind of thing but the 2 lines above that were forced because i had this feeling i wanted to convey but i couldnt find the exact words...

P.S Dont you think you should edit the changes in the original work so people who contribute from here on do so while keeping 'em in mind?
Ahm,to be frank i want people to read that line since i cant believe i came up with it

P.P.S I'll be dropping by on your other piece in a few days

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1349003
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 4, 2010,
#8
Yeah, I realized my mistake after I posted that! Edited it now, so everyone dropping by will see your lines. Gonna check out some of your pieces now.
#9
Wow! I thought you would be thinking how irritating i'm but you actually went along!Thank you
But i didnt actually need you put my name there!I just needed more people to read the lines who cares as if they think its yours or mine I just need 'em to 'read' what took effort even if the smallest effort to write otherwise it really angers and saddens me!
Also you made it sound like i had written the whole bridge when the 1st and last line is yours!Pls change that...
Looking forward to new pieces by you!