#1
hey guys. i wrote this a little while back and am currently writing accompanying music for this song. i had wanted to try out this idea of combining two viewpoints at once in a song to tell a story with a bit of a twist. i like the end result but idk if its just cause i wrote it so i'd like an honest crit please. tell me what you think.

"Scabby Knees"

A well informed decision, now watch as I diffuse
A complicated incision, the final sight of a bloody breathing tube
Light the fire of addiction, it is gonna be a good good night
A professional decision, zip up the bag and let’s call it a night.

Untie my feet so I may go repent
These scabby knees show that I am not the best
Impossible to predict what happens next

Blood to blood in a fist fight I’m just like you are dad
Blood to blood in a flash of light a crying mother holds her dead
Can take a punch and be alright, shake it off just like I always did in the past
Like a deer in the headlights, to freeze and not believe it’s happening till you’re watching from above.

I always wanted to feel. But now I don’t know if I ever want to feel again
This tragedy is surreal. Only one fatality yet we all have broken heads
I sit behind the wheel, the herd has moved on and I’m the abandoned lamb
I’m bleeding from my heart now, but like you are ever gonna give a damn

Untie my feet so I may go repent
These scabby knees show that I am not the best
Impossible to predict what happens next
But the impossible things are what you don’t forget

My own covenant that I have betrayed
Because of this I shall lie in a lonely grave
Impossible to predict what happens next
If I died today would I even want to come back?

A beautiful arrangement of tangles
Flowing softly to the cleavage of your breast
A display of colorful bangles
Rotating smoothly as your arm rubs my chest

The curves I liked to feel
Serpentine motions in a fun carnal time
Ecstasy and emotion
I never want to get off of this carnival ride

And because our love is so real
I kneel to the ground and I take your hand in mine
I always wanted to feel
What my ring on your hand would feel like over time

And as you walk down the aisle
Your undying beauty is veiled from my eyes
I promise to always honor you
Let this kiss seal our hearts and till death do us part and

As your coffin is lowered in your grave
A realization of the promises I betrayed
It’s just a night out just a night out
She won’t know won’t know won’t know

Laced it erased my mind and became my foe
And I would have rather unlaced you back at home
But the man in me just had to get too deep
In all the wrong things all the wrong things

Untie my feet so I may go repent
These scabby knees show that I am not the best
Impossible to predict what happens next
But the impossible things are what you don’t forget

My own covenant that I have betrayed
Because of this I shall lie in a lonely grave
Impossible to predict what happens next
If I died today would I even want to come back?
#2
Quote by LukasArt♂
"Scabby Knees"

A well informed decision, now watch as I diffuse
A complicated incision, the final sight of a bloody breathing tube
Light the fire of addiction, it is gonna be a good good night
A professional decision, zip up the bag and let’s call it a night. ending on 'night' twice kinda interrupts the flow imo. good stanza nonetheless!

Untie my feet so I may go repent
These scabby knees show that I am not the best
Impossible to predict what happens next

Blood to blood in a fist fight I’m just like you are dad It could be me, but shouldn't there be an ',' or '.' between 'fight' and 'I'm'?
Blood to blood in a flash of light a crying mother holds her dead see above
Can take a punch and be alright, shake it off just like I always did in the past
Like a deer in the headlights, to freeze and not believe it’s happening till you’re watching from above.

I always wanted to feel. But now I don’t know if I ever want to feel again
This tragedy is surreal. Only one fatality yet we all have broken heads
I sit behind the wheel, the herd has moved on and I’m the abandoned lamb this part doesn't really make sense to me. first everyone was damaged and now you're the only one?
I’m bleeding from my heart now, but like you are ever gonna give a damn

Untie my feet so I may go repent
These scabby knees show that I am not the best
Impossible to predict what happens next
But the impossible things are what you don’t forget

My own covenant that I have betrayed
Because of this I shall lie in a lonely grave
Impossible to predict what happens next
If I died today would I even want to come back?

A beautiful arrangement of tangles
Flowing softly to the cleavage of your breast
A display of colorful bangles
Rotating smoothly as your arm rubs my chest great stanza

The curves I liked to feel
Serpentine motions in a fun carnal time
Ecstasy and emotion
I never want to get off of this carnival ride

And because our love is so real
I kneel to the ground and I take your hand in mine
I always wanted to feel
What my ring on your hand would feel like over time

And as you walk down the aisle
Your undying beauty is veiled from my eyes
I promise to always honor you
Let this kiss seal our hearts and till death do us part and

As your coffin is lowered in your grave
A realization of the promises I betrayed
It’s just a night out just a night out
She won’t know won’t know won’t know

Laced it erased my mind and became my foe
And I would have rather unlaced you back at home
But the man in me just had to get too deep
In all the wrong things all the wrong things

there's a lot of inconstistency in the rhyming patterns of these last six stanza's, which interrupts the flow a lot in my opinion.

Untie my feet so I may go repent
These scabby knees show that I am not the best
Impossible to predict what happens next
But the impossible things are what you don’t forget

My own covenant that I have betrayed
Because of this I shall lie in a lonely grave
Impossible to predict what happens next
If I died today would I even want to come back?


just a few suggestions, I like the piece though .
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore
#3
thanks for the crit. i admit it has its flaws
just to explain things. the abandoned lamb part was included to show how the man feels that now he has killed his love. he feels that everything and everyone that mattered to him has left him. i agree tho on hindsight it could have better placement.
and sorry lol i never have liked consistant rhyme schemes much myself