#1
Don't worry, it's over
It weren't really that bad
Of course he'd blown it but moreover
The big man will be glad
Because even though the doorway loomed and lust was on fire
The case was still controllable straight down to the wire

This is the independent revolution
Say nothing while you can
This is the independent revolution
Honestly, it wont be long man
(double hi-hats)
This is the only solution
The process of devolution
Provoked only by confusion
The independent revolution

The men with the ties
They think it's all alright
But through the hardenered poker faces
They know the systems gonna bite
And when the classes fall apart and archy runs free
The long-term plans will be exposed, exposed for all to see
But me

This is the independent revolution
Say nothing while you can
This is the independent revolution
Honestly, it wont be long man
(double hi-hats)
This is the only solution
The process of devolution
Provoked only by confusion
The independent revolution

----------------

Still a WIP. My first proper songwriting experience, what do you think? I'm not to keen on it myself, but I'd like some tips on how to improve it.
#2
The thing about this peice is that each line works well indivually. There is seemingly no cohesiveness between alot of the lines, as if your thoughts were all over the place and you were unable to stick to any thought for longer than a line or two, which makes this an incredibly tough read.

The chorus was definitely the highlight, you could almost have done without everything else and just had the chorus seeing as the chorus said everything the verses did but better.

As you said, its a work in progress, and the verses really need alot of work, perhaps scrap the entire first verse, choose a theme for it, and write soley about that.

Anway, you'll get it down eventually =) keep writing!

If you get a moment, Crit4Crit? Links in the sig.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#3
Thanks a lot for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I'll have a go at yours, but, like I say I'm not very experienced so what I say might not be very helpful. :P