#1
i've never caught essence,
assuming it's a thing meant to be caught.
rather, i've only raised my net to the wind
and expressed myself (in
spoken word)

but no soft-colored bird has ever flown in.

and ain't that a bitch?
last night, i walked into a campus bar
and drank out of a beer bottle in long, exaggerated tilts
(as if i were truly that depressed),
and on a napkin i wrote a poem
that really captured the moment,
that really captured the scene
of living life experiences - or that is,
the things we all must go through -
they all still remain so alien to me.

which is why it's sort of discouraging
when certain things feel so natural
like when i traveled to some discreet michigan town;
i strolled around, i saw the lake shimmer at sundown;
some newlyweds asked me to take a picture of them
pinned against a horizon all pink and brown
and i refused.


believe me, i had to refuse.
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
This feels very organic to me, the way it flows, and that there's not one word in the wrong place, like it's grown (plant-like)

The only thing that didn't really work for me was the line 'they all still remain so alien to me'.
Alien is not a word I use in this context. But I guess that's just my opinion
#3
i enjoy this. very original, which you've never had a problem writing original stuff.

i don't have any gripe about anything here. good piece
#5
I don't like this at all. something about it. stylistically I don't like the flow or the line breaks or some combo of both I think... something about this just seems so phony and forced and overdone. the imagery is good but I still have a sour taste in my mouth

idk. I think I might like it from someone else but I really don't like it from you, which isn't fair I know, but this just feels so wrong
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
that's interesting. because honestly, i consider to be one of the most honest things i've ever written, as well as the last one i posted. i actually am really happy with it.

thanks for reading saadia. i hope you're well
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
I read this right after you posted it. I read it the next morning, and that night. I read it last night. I read it earlier today. I read it just now.

I honestly tried to find something I didn't like about it, and I refuse to critique it if I flat out enjoyed it. Is it perfect? Is it the best poem I have ever read? Of course not, but if I tried too hard to criticize it, I would be taking away from my enjoyment of it and that would suck.

And really, increasingly lately that's becoming my measure of what a good piece is. If I read something more than once and thoroughly enjoy it and don't WANT to critique it, then it's a good piece no matter how flawed. Not to say that this is extremely flawed, it isn't.

So thank you. Never, ever, ever stop writing.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#8
I know this happened to you, in the same way I know Sloane Crosley and David Sedaris are telling the truth when I read their stories. It feels like you, more 'you' than the silky smooth flow and heartbeaten rhythm of most of your pieces. Maybe, like someone said, it's just more organic. it is truth and misery, that point in the bar, writing on a napkin. Not looking up, even when you want to.

I'm not sure if you're a fan of Eminem or not (but I think you may at least be able to appreciate his sheer talent), but this reminds me of a recent song in which he says that critics never ask you how your day's going. This seems like your reply to that, someone who has taken down the shimmering shield of wordplay for a moment to just narrate a day in the form, with the same edge and loyalty they are best at. And for this, I commend you.

#9
thanks noosh and spike, i really appreciate the kind words. Ganoosh, I completely agree with you. There are times when I read stuff on here that completely blows me away to the point where the last thing I want to do is comment on it, afraid I might ruin even a sliver of it for me. As long as I know that you still read my stuff and you know that I read your stuff everytime you post, I think that's all that really matters.

Quote by spike_8bkp
I know this happened to you, in the same way I know Sloane Crosley and David Sedaris are telling the truth when I read their stories. It feels like you, more 'you' than the silky smooth flow and heartbeaten rhythm of most of your pieces. Maybe, like someone said, it's just more organic. it is truth and misery, that point in the bar, writing on a napkin. Not looking up, even when you want to.

I'm not sure if you're a fan of Eminem or not (but I think you may at least be able to appreciate his sheer talent), but this reminds me of a recent song in which he says that critics never ask you how your day's going. This seems like your reply to that, someone who has taken down the shimmering shield of wordplay for a moment to just narrate a day in the form, with the same edge and loyalty they are best at. And for this, I commend you.



Huge fan of Eminem. He entered me into the world of hip-hop so he's always been a special artist for me.

I agree that I think this is more 'me' than my earlier writings and I'm so glad you could tell. But I don't really consider it as a conscious stripping-away of my earlier style. I really think I've evolved into whatever style this is and I actually feel most at home in it. Who knows, it might change again but right now, I feel comfortable. Thanks a lot, spike. Take care.
here, My Dear, here it is