#1
The hour is gone... I have been here for forty days
purging temptation and leaving the coast
in another time, in another place,
in another phase; the era of calamity!
There’s blood across the district;
the immersion of children through the entrance,
the hunters will sink their tribal skin.
A white rose for every baby
devoured against a rock- they parade the ashes.

“Hardly-Knew-Ya!”

The smell of bile
and the tales of the old regime.
I have seen and heard the screams of petrification
and sewn skulls, in the mouth of intercession.
“Can you treat them like” a coil of dust?
Harness your hope, above all, don’t be distracted:
the morals they worship
are inconsequential!

“Good man, are you and your clan
Jews or foe?”
”Well we are... hey, wait a second!”

They escorted them to the meadows
and told them to keep marching,
‘one two, one two’- the play of free will
without faltering... turn around,

your backs frontward
to the rattle of the wild bullets;
flesh to bag.

Piling and piling towards the setting sun,
a fatal suggestion. Scrounging for the next fix-
they knew what they had coming.
Happiness is a cheap word, they need relief.

Sleep without ceasing.

The territory that crushed the distance
to the core. My presence descended
and they broke me.
The general approached: “Well that was daft;
Yah Yah Yah, you have met your resting place!

“Meet the new boss,
who burnt the houses and refined the people.”
Prostrating on the pavement, the women from the Poles asked,
“Do you expect us to hail?”
“We expect nothing from you
except to disappear.”

They stopped breathing.

Snatched up upon terror’s twilight
like a thief. The birds hover,
the cages are open.
Evacuate: call it pursuance,
tear the sky open;
will they die-
does it matter?

To be born again.

“Sir, are you scared?”
No,
I am not scared of something I can predict
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 9, 2010,
#2
ProTip: Don't name songs after infamous mass-slaughters unless you're part of bands like AxCx and Cannibal Corpse.
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#4
Nice work. Damn fine song if you ask me. Which you may have been, since you posted it on here. Now here's me getting too literal. I shall now proceed to shut up.
Good day.
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When they're down is the safest time.

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#5
this was completely tantalizing. at times the quotes were a bit much, but they began to sew themselves in more and more as vernacular when the piece progressed. you write like poe and whitman had a baby- I kid you not. better word choice on this one as well, the more refined language very much suited where it was used. I envy your ability to weave stories within the common ground of the structure. my favourite part easily was-

Snatched up upon terror’s twilight
like a thief. The birds hover,
the cages are open.
Evacuate: call it pursuance,
tear the sky open;
will they die-
does it matter?

wonderful wonderful wording in the first few lines of that stanza- I was actually drawn by eye to read it early in the poem and it almost excited me to read the rest of it- to know how it lead to that bit. I liked this a lot.
#6
loved it, fred. will come back with something more detailed than this when I'm more awake/coherent
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#7
Quote by Bleed Away
The hour is gone, I have been here for forty days
I suggest using a period after the hour is gone, purely so it can be absorbed as one statement, as one message. Also so there is a sense of deflation so that when it comes to 'I have been..' it really kicks off, carrying the piece.
purging temptation and leaving the coast
in another time, in another place...
in another phase; the era of calamity!
I always think using exclaimation marks is a risk, but you pulled this off nicely. Nice use of rhyme as well, great imagery.
There’s blood across the district;
the immersion of children through the entrance,
the hunters will sink their tribal skin.
A white rose for every baby
devoured against a rock- they parade the ashes!
I don't know about the exclaimation mark here, the risk is it becomes melodramatic, I'm considering the atmosphere you've created so far and I'd suggest not using it here, as it works pretty great in the dialogue that follows.

“Hardly-Knew-Ya!”

The smell of bile
and the tales of the old regime.
I have seen and heard the screams of petrification
and sewn skulls, in the mouth of intercession.
“Can you treat them like” a coil of dust?
Harness your hope, above all, don’t be distracted:
God up to here was so good.
the morals they worship
are inconsequential!

“Good man, are you and your clan
Jews or foe?”
”Well we are... hey, wait a second!”

They escorted them to the meadows
and told them to keep marching,
‘one two, one two’- the play of free will
without faltering... turn around,

your backs frontward
to the rattle of the wild bullets;
flesh to bag.
These lines are great; it's savage, the violence - the rhythm echoes this which is clever. 'flesh to bag' is so perfect.

Piling and piling towards the setting sun,
a fatal suggestion. Scrounging for the next fix-
they knew what they had coming.
Happiness is a cheap word, they need relief.

Sleep without ceasing.
This is good, allows us to take it in.

The territory that crushed the distance
to the core. My presence descended
and they broke me.
The general approached: “Well that was daft!
Yah Yah Yah, you have met your resting place!

“Meet the new boss,
who burnt the houses and refined the people.”
Prostrating on the pavement, the women from the Poles asked,
“Do you expect us to hail?”
“We expect nothing from you
except to disappear.”

They stopped breathing.

Snatched up upon terror’s twilight
like a thief. The birds hover,
the cages are open.
Evacuate: call it pursuance,
tear the sky open;
will they die-
does it matter?

To be born again.

“Sir, are you scared?”
No,
I am not scared of something I can predict
The last two thirds or so of this piece was just everything I expect from your work. Dense, great use of dialogue, using enjambment to create disorder, the imagery, the rhyme - it's all so great.



Yeah I really enjoyed this, like a lot. I'd just check over some dialogue, to avoid it being too general as this detracts from it. Same with the exclaimation marks, but your punctuation was pretty spot on. Well done.
#8
I would like to sincerely thank everyone who commented and/or read this piece. This is a little experimentation by me, but I will probably shift more into satire-prose next before returning with with something else, that's completely different to anything else I have written.

Mr. S. Tissues, I will definitely give Poe and Whitman a good read and learn more from them, just like I did with Eliot. Also, I am happy that, that bit was your favourite because what I was describing in that stanza had more to do with Rapture than the holocaust itself.

Matt, I took your suggestion about the excess of exclamation marks. I changed the punctuation around a bit, like you suggested, and I really do feel it reads better. Thank ou for the suggestion