#1
This would mark my first explicit piece, even though it only say's it once, be aware.
I wrote this last night actually, obviously, at one in the morning. I thought it was alright, I'm not going to continue working on because on a personal level, I don't like where I was going with it.
C4C?

It's one o'clock,
and I keep wakin' up.
Dreamt we're at the dock,
but Im shit out of luck.
I'm tired of waitin',
for you to make your move.
It's time for me to get back up,
right back in the groove.

So tonight I'm singin'
this forgotten song,
it's not about our lost love,
it's about movin' on.
I wish I could've given,
The best that I am,
and I wish you could hear this,
it's a part of the plan,
for you to think of me,
when you're f**kin' him.

So still I'm waitin' for,
my first last kiss,
hopin' it would come from,
those graceful lips,
I try to remember,
that fateful day,
you said that you loved me,
and that you'd never go away.

These little moment's,
they cease to exsist,
when she leaves you right in the hole,
that pit of lonelyness,
All I've left to do,
is sing my fears away,
but next time you show your face,
say you won't stay.

So tonight I'm singin'
this forgotten song,
it's not about our lost love,
it's about movin' on.
I wish I could've given,
The best that I am,
and I wish you could hear this,
it's a part of the plan,
for you to think of me,
when you're f**kin' him.
Last edited by Caboose911 at Sep 6, 2010,
#2
Not your usual glory!Frankly you need to work some on this piece(it sucks),feels to me like you took some much used topic and over used it a bit moreThis is barely decent though i liked the chorus but just liked...Let your imagination flow,put your own unique part in it you know?Make it different from the whole similar cluster of songs out there.I know you can do much better than this Show your strenght!
P.S My apologies if this was too harsh considering that i dont write any better myself
:wacko: but just trying to be honest...

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1356783
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 6, 2010,
#3
Sounds kind of like a Kelly Clarkson song haha. "Since you've been gone". Her song hit as a lot of people so the place that this style of song comes from is real to a lot of people. I'd look to hear the melody. Nice job overall IMO
The who is my favorite band of all time!
#4
Quote by alexloramer
Sounds kind of like a Kelly Clarkson song haha. "Since you've been gone". Her song hit as a lot of people so the place that this style of song comes from is real to a lot of people. I'd look to hear the melody. Nice job overall IMO

Thanks for the positive crit man it's much appreciated. I've decided that I don't like this piece though, so I won't be working on it as much as other pieces, even though this one definatley needs it most :P
Either way, thanks a bunch! You got a piece you would like me to look at?
#5
I actually really liked this. It may be simply because I am going thru the exact same phase in life but in general I really liked the flow of it! I feel like the first verse was weak (first four lines) but I am a fan of the rest of the peice.
#6
Quote by JoshS0515
I actually really liked this. It may be simply because I am going thru the exact same phase in life but in general I really liked the flow of it! I feel like the first verse was weak (first four lines) but I am a fan of the rest of the peice.

yeah those lines were added after because I originally only had the second verse and the chorus, but the second verse seemed like a bumpy way to start things off so I had to improvise a little.