I had to write a poem about a person with an eating disorder for Enriched English, I wrote about multiple eating disorders, probably going to be turned into three songs.

Days pass with the speed of pages,
and were all stuck at the end of this book,
we all lost the keys to our cages,
will you be the fish on my hook?
Money's worth all that were not,
shooting stars at planets,
trapped deep in dead space,
trained to be alone,
broken astronaut,
oxygen collapse,
breathe synapse,
inhaling in your self built gas mask,
oxygen collapse,
breathe in this synapse,
swallowing your man made fake claps
oxygen collapse,
oxygen synapse,
please fix this broken clockwork,
holocaust diets,
dissolve the entire page,
snug skin to bone,
dissolve this entire page,
tied arteries pushing the hospital tray,
open airlock doors to closed off constellations,
floating past the depth of the lost sat-com array,
Ingested by bolemic pressure,
were all anorexic weather,
playing dead on the stretcher,
she'll breathe if you let her,
playing dead on the stretcher,
floating on the constellations,
making your own congratulations,
were all dead on the stretcher,
she'll breathe if you let her.
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
Hmm, I like this piece but there seemed to be a lot of flow problems about midway through, lines that were double the size of the previous lines, they just don't make it flow very well.
Besides those points I liked it, the last 6 or 7 lines were my favorite part, and they seemed to be a very climactic ending. They were powerful, concise and straight to the point. Loved them. The rest wasn't as good.
Overall, it was good, but not spectacular.
7/10, keep writing man.