#1
Hey everyone. This is my first post in a very long time. I've started getting back into songwriting after a few years so this is a recent effort which still needs work. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. Thank you

Grains of dirt in an arctic blur
As clarity fades to silence her
Painted under neon sky
Another shade of monochrome

Left alone by tainted words
Something more that's still deserved
Surrounded by the flaming red
Desperate girl without a home

A smile of glass, not meant to last
One held breath til feelings pass
Daylight tumbles, blackened night
With no-one close to inject the life
She steals her colour from the end of the world
"What about the neighbours?? What they gonna say?? Stop little sister getting carried away" - SRV. The greatest guitarist of all time.
Quote by R_H_C_P

Evvo_gc_fan is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.


Quote by ScarredFaith

I liked it.
Is it about fucking?
#2
Wow man, it's kind of short but it's amazing by far one of the best pieces I've read in a LONG time. It's great, the first stanza isn't really original, the whole neon skies thing I've read quite a few times. But the way you phrase it, it's incredible. The second stanza is the best stanza of it all IMO
very, very good work.
The third stanza let me down nicely, it was a great ending. To tell the truth I accidentally clicked this link :P but I'm really glad I did
9.5/10
I took off .5 for it being too short. I was left wanting more
Also you Mis-spelled breathe in the last stanza.
C4C?
#3
The theme of homelessness, or the destruction of a home, touches something in me. Very bleak.
#4
Thank you very much for the feedback. The homeless theme wasn't necessarily one that I was aiming for, but it's great to see different interpretations and I can see how that can apply. Thanks again guys
"What about the neighbours?? What they gonna say?? Stop little sister getting carried away" - SRV. The greatest guitarist of all time.
Quote by R_H_C_P

Evvo_gc_fan is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.


Quote by ScarredFaith

I liked it.
Is it about fucking?