#1
I posted this a long time ago, and its been revised.

October 3rd, 2177


I catch glances of faces as I walk down the main drag,
Dark charred remains have been stuffed into bags.
Lamplights give sign of what’s gone wrong before,
Crickets were silent, under Night's lore.
The trees would soon whisper their ominous cries,
Death is around me, I would find out in time.

Emptiness you see, is quite hard to describe,
Take all that you know and consider it lies.
Light exists here, as hope nothing else,
This town was forgotten, was put on a shelf.
In the largest of homes, not a soul I found,
People lay here, but as bones upon ground.

A child lay peaceful, covered bones in a bed,
Shutters screamed softly, as her name I said.
These walls I remember, in a life passed,
I try and hold on, but the feelings don't last.
My head plays games with emotions of old,
My limbs have gone weak,
My body's gone cold...

Blades of grass have all died; covered in ash
Each one telling its story, of a lighter past.
Day revealed her secrets, that night quietly kept,
Bodies burned into ground, a dark silhouette.
A dark story lived here, a face under veil,
They had all tried to run, but all of them failed.

Before I had left I had buried the dead
Husbands, wives, daughters, and even old friends.
They could escape a life which ended in fear,
At last they could breathe from a body seared.
With blade in hand, and crude cross I made,
Remembered the fallen who couldn't be saved.

Fond memories vanished as I left town
Such a violent scene, and yet no blood I found.
A man dressed in green, eyes carved from pure black,
Had cold intention as he crossed my path,
Regarded me cold, like a king upon throne,
I examined my hands as flesh turned to bone.

My short visit here was not to see damage done,
Or to console lost friends underneath a dark sun.
My time on Earth will soon come to a close,
I’ve looked back upon life and our faults as a whole.
I'm to wander this land, just like dust in the wind,
To pick up the fallen and carry our sins...
Caution:
This post may contain my opinion and/or inaccurate information.

Current Rig:
2006 PRS CE-24
Mesa/Boogie Mark V
Voltage S212 w/ V30's
Strymon Timeline
CMATMods Signa Drive
TC Electronics Corona & Hall of Fame
#2
There are few poems I really enjoy that come into S&L. I don't imagine it'll get much hurrah from a lot of other people here, but I particularly liked your use of consistency. It has a purposeful direction and doesn't flounder, but for the most part the structure doesn't get in the way of being said (there are a few places here and there, but it's not much). I will very probably get to writing a more in-depth critique within the next few days (or sooner).
#3
Thanks Aeolian. I dont really do the sterotypical songs. I make my poems, then have to cut them to song form. I know its not really a song, but I thought that other people might enjoy my writing, or would be able to critique it and know what they're talking about. Its good to let other people see my work too.

EDIT: And I know its a lot to go through to critique, so anything is nice.
Caution:
This post may contain my opinion and/or inaccurate information.

Current Rig:
2006 PRS CE-24
Mesa/Boogie Mark V
Voltage S212 w/ V30's
Strymon Timeline
CMATMods Signa Drive
TC Electronics Corona & Hall of Fame
Last edited by AWACS at Sep 8, 2010,
#4
i like this! i know i'm bumping an old topic here, but it was in your signature.

it gave me a really clear image in my head. very interesting.
#5
Matt, I know for sure I don't care that you bumped an old thread. I'm really glad you enjoyed it. It has a fairly big influence from my many hours playing Fallout 3 as well.
Caution:
This post may contain my opinion and/or inaccurate information.

Current Rig:
2006 PRS CE-24
Mesa/Boogie Mark V
Voltage S212 w/ V30's
Strymon Timeline
CMATMods Signa Drive
TC Electronics Corona & Hall of Fame