#1
a song. i havent done one of those in...ever. 3/4s and 3/3s.

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hey up there my sweet,
sugar lips, honeydrips
i'm back again for your heart
and your head and your hips

we've been days soaking up
the same old pages for ages
Why cant it be my turn
to lick my thumb and turn my wrist

I've found another trellis i can climb
where the sun seldom shines
and serenades would be mumbled
because i've got my mouth full

I wonder if one more sundown could make a difference
to such a double standard
but that still seems doubtful

i'll gladly claw rayon ladders and raise my head to rays of heaven
and climb them with my teeth, heavy breathing every evening
in the vain hope that one day that some small things would change
reciprocations maybe. hopefully. One day. eventually. One day.

Time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything

Time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything

i'd like to tell you face to face
My belts have all melted
and been braced out of place
from racing blood and times wasted.

I dont know what the future holds
but i know what i've had
and you havent been good, but you havent been bad
and i'll wait and i'll wait i'll wait and wait
and one day maybe, if thats not too much to ask.

of course theres so much more that i adore, my darling dear
but always in the back of my head, just like sleepy fingers
on the nape of my neck

i cant seem to shake off the feeling
that if i just keep on trying
i'll wear down defenses
despite your insistance that one day i'll give up
well, i'll never give up
or come to my senses.

Time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything

Time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything
time is a factor in everything, everything

even the fair trade
of happy endings.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#3
One thing I love about your stories is the imagery. Always so detailed and vivid, I can almost see it just by reading it.
Here, you have the imagery, but you seem to be going through it too quickly. Instead of lingering, and thus detailing, you just bring up images that are gone 4 lines later.

That said, I loved this line
i'm back again for your heart
and your head and your hips

It's catchy

Overall, I liked it. But if I were to show my friends something you've written, I'd go with one of your narratives
#4
thanks.
one of the reasons i never write lyrics and seldom wite poetry is that I find it hard to keep my words per line to a rhythmic minimum.

there is music. vocals, guitars, the whole shebang. it just needs recording
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#5
For some reason, I hear more of your electronic stuff with this.

When you catch me on msn I'll show you what I mean. Other than that, you have such a refreshing perspective on wording in poetry that your song writing is even more inspiring. To me at least.

Write.
This is not a pipe