#1
when we turned the other way
the ice melted, into a breeze,
leaves pelted in our faces
and stuck to my sleeves,
(your tiny writsts still bare)
and they tangled in your laces,
and in the ribbons in your hair
like a cold misplaced kiss,
as branches took advantage
of the freedom to freeze,
trembling hands squeezed,
and colour quickly drained from bruised knees
into the ground, stained sanguine,
unlike the overpowering sour sound when
I have found my voice,
and you try to whisper in my ear.
I tried to overhear your thoughts,
pierce the veneer that is your skull
but my mind got caught,
upon the oak from where we see the cedar trees,
sealed a broken promise,
choked upon it
and fell
asleep.
Last edited by michal23 at Sep 8, 2010,
#2
That was incredible honestly....I'm pretty sure you meant to type "sealed a broken promise" not "sealed a broken a promise." anyways it was very well written with great imagery. I got mixed emotions of love and pain. The reference to tiny wrists gives the idea that you are very close to and know the person very well. As well as the kiss. But I get the idea near the end that you betrayed a loved one??? Because it sounds like you said your mind sealed a broken promise and settled for life with that broken promise, when it "fell asleep." well that's my interpretation. If that wasn't your intended meaning I'd be really interested in hearing your point of view too. Great work!!

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1351825&highlight=nickel+wound+string
Quote by sadSTATUE
Uhmmm... Well, apparently I was mentioned in a thread called "Japan and Lesbians."

Quote by Unknown_Biskit
Try typing "potatoes" with your dick then submit it.



My cover of Manchester Orchestra's "I Can Feel Your Pain"
http://www.mediafire.com/?jfvt54j4mkiiq99
Last edited by gatechballer at Sep 8, 2010,
#3
Quote by gatechballer
That was incredible honestly....I'm pretty sure you meant to type "sealed a broken promise" not "sealed a broken a promise." anyways it was very well written with great imagery. I got mixed emotions of love and pain. The reference to tiny wrists gives the idea that you are very close to and know the person very well. As well as the kiss. But I get the idea near the end that you betrayed a loved one??? Because it sounds like you said your mind sealed a broken promise and settled for life with that broken promise, when it "fell asleep." well that's my interpretation. If that wasn't your intended meaning I'd be really interested in hearing your point of view too. Great work!!

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1351825&highlight=nickel+wound+string


You pretty much got it bang on, except I think 'disappointed' would be more accurate than 'betrayed', and it's not so much 'settled' rather than 'ran/hid from'. Thank you very much for the critique, I'll get to yours
#4
Quote by michal23
You pretty much got it bang on, except I think 'disappointed' would be more accurate than 'betrayed', and it's not so much 'settled' rather than 'ran/hid from'. Thank you very much for the critique, I'll get to yours


Okay, yeah I see...settled had the same connotation as hid to me. Just sort of staying away from an issue. This is so well written it's crazy. The "cedar trees" and "bruised knees" lines stood out to me the most, as well as your use of "misplaced kiss." I like this a lot. It's pretty similar to my writing style too.
Quote by sadSTATUE
Uhmmm... Well, apparently I was mentioned in a thread called "Japan and Lesbians."

Quote by Unknown_Biskit
Try typing "potatoes" with your dick then submit it.



My cover of Manchester Orchestra's "I Can Feel Your Pain"
http://www.mediafire.com/?jfvt54j4mkiiq99