#1
there once was a girl named evelyn june
she was more beautiful than the moon
no other girl could ever compare
...cuz when she walked she floated on air
her hair was the color of leaves in the fall
she is more beautiful than them all
her eyes are like the sparkling sea
she is the special girl for me
shes so great; she doesnt have to try
without her i would surely die
i love her so in every way
i love her more each and every day

it took me like 10 minutes, tops... not bad, eh?
#4
Quote by Cthulhu_Berlin
i think it´s nice but you should focus more on her person instead of her beauty!


This, but I think you should keep what you have. Definitely add a part about her person, it won't hurt. Besides, it could afford to be a bit longer.
#6
Alright, serious crit.

I dig everything your saying up until "Sea" Its cute, its nice, and most importantly, its simple, and girls dig a simple sense of eloquence that is most importantly associated with them so well done there.

The last five lines I would scrap and start anew, it gets kinda annoying down there. I would use three to five lines to highlight her admirable attributes, and two-three more to say the whole I love you thing, but do it better this time.

Overall, this is going well, and just needs a few adjustments and rewrites. good work.

C4C? Sig. thanks.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#7
As a personal poem between you and her, it's great. Sweet and charming and slightly goofy. As a piece of poetry, it's not a standout. If you're looking for advice for revision, I can give a more focused look into it and suggest some stuff.
#8
Seems really cliche, and has a common rhythm. Its great between the two of you, its definitely a plus that you can write stuff like this for her, and about her.

Its nice.
Caution:
This post may contain my opinion and/or inaccurate information.

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#9
Hi,

Please check the rules for S&L. They are at the top of the main S&L forum. Specifically, please check out the rules regarding titles. We have some tighter rules here to help keep things tidy since people are putting out some very personal things, such as their poetry and songs and stuff. Once you know why this was closed, you are welcome to repost it correctly.

Welcome to S&L and sorry to be so negative on your post here... but rules are rules.

Thanks,

Zach