#1
My first attempt at a hardcore esq. song Hope you enjoy it! I'm also taking after Philmalone666 in putting the scream/yell in bracket's in bold.
I find it hard to read pieces like these because you can't really feel the intensity in the singers voice, but do your best
C4C?

The blood of innocence pollutes the skies,
Stare through the smoke, hear the cries.
When they all fell, they all precieve,
That someone's sitting by, watching them bleed.
(Watching them bleed!)

Beat down by who we believe, (We can't see!)
This pain, crushing my dreams.
I take all the blame, (Your cries in vain!)
You're just left with shame,
Cut me loose from the ties that bind, (Let me unwind!)
I don't belong in this figure of crime.
Sell me out and take my pride, (With all these times you've lied!)
Believe me all that's good has died.

These piercing screams held in my mind, (It's all in my head!)
I've loved, I've lost, I've seen the sign's.
Grab hold of your sinking feeling,
Now don't you stop breathing.

Beat down by who we believe, (What do you see!?)
This pain, crushing my dreams.
I take all the blame, (You're all the same!)
You just left with shame,
Cut me loose from the ties that bind, (They'll leave you blind!)
I don't belong in this figure of crime.
Sell me out and take my pride, (Leave my side!)
Believe me all that's good has died.

(You know who we are!?)
We are the forgotten,
We don't stick out from the crowd.
We're gone, but not broken,
We're wrong, when we're right,
We've lost,
We've loved,
We've fallen,
We've rised.
We've gone so far,
purely hypnotized,
Lost in a daze,
Cries through the haze,
We are the lost,
the dead and the gone.
There's no way we could change this,
(This never-ending crisis!)
We're all, just names without faces.

(All You ever did was lie!)
Sell me out and take my pride,
(Waiting for this blood to dry!)
Believe me all that's good has died.
Last edited by Caboose911 at Oct 3, 2010,
#2
It's not really my style at all, but with such strong images, you need to focus on being more direct.

Don't be so verbal in conveying ideas, meaning, connect the stanzas with a common theme that works its way through the entire piece. Oh, and please use less generic rhymes, it's just going to make a song more original and interesting.
This is not a pipe
#3
Quote by Carmel
It's not really my style at all, but with such strong images, you need to focus on being more direct.

Don't be so verbal in conveying ideas, meaning, connect the stanzas with a common theme that works its way through the entire piece. Oh, and please use less generic rhymes, it's just going to make a song more original and interesting.

thanks for the positive comments and the negative. I just updated it, so if you could take another look, it would be great
#5
Quote by Caboose911
My first attempt at a hardcore esq. song Hope you enjoy it! I'm also taking after Philmalone666 in putting the scream/yell in bracket's in bold.
I find it hard to read pieces like these because you can't really feel the intensity in the singers voice, but do your best
C4C?

The blood of innocence pollutes the skies,
Only the wise will deceive all the lies.
And when we fall, we all will precieve,
That someone's sitting by, watching us bleed.
(Watching us bleed!)
^^Love this
Beat down by who we believe, (Who to believe!?)
All this pain is killing me.
^^cliche,my suggestion "This pain is strangling my dreams"
I'll take all the blame, (All of the shame!)
^^"I'll take all of your blames,(Even all the shame)"
I know I won't be the same,
^^"Just telling you, i wont be the same"
Cut me loose from the ties that bind, (The ties that bind!)
Expel me from my evil mind,
^^substitute 'evil' with something else
I don't belong in this figure of crime.
Sell me out and take my pride, (Take my pride!)
^^instead of "and" just add a break
Believe me all that's good has died.

These piercing screams held in my mind, (It's all in my head!)
Why would life want to leave me blind? (I'm better off dead!)
^^"Life really wants to leave me blind"
Grab hold of your sinking feeling,
You don't act, just leave me bleeding.
(All this pain I'm creating!)

Beat down by who we believe, (Who to believe!?)
All this pain is killing me.
I'll take all the blame, (All of the shame!)
I know I won't be the same,
Cut me loose from the ties that bind, (The ties that bind!)
Expel me from my evil mind,
I don't belong in this figure of crime.
Sell me out and take my pride, (Take my pride!)
Believe me all that's good has died

Every time you kick us down, (Kick us down!)
We get back up, take the crown.
Now you stand, listen to the sound, (The sound!)
^^"this" instead of "the"
it's the anthem, we're tearing you down.
^^"an" instead of "the"
We're all chasing a fool's gold, (Be strong, be bold!)
None of us here, have got a strong hold.
There's no way we could change this, (A never-ending crisis!)
We're all, just names without faces.

(All I ever did was lie!)
Sell me out and take my pride,
(Wait for the blood to dry!)
Believe me all that's good has died.

My suggestions which i think will make it better.The problem with you is you end up being cliche so it does'nt leave a longlasting impression but overall i still like this

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1354051
P.S If i may ask you write something on '9 Days' it cant be related to love and must be unique even if it's another generic theme .Take it as a challenge?It will be fun to see what you can come up withIt can work two ways you can give me something to work on to!
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 14, 2010,
#6
The blood of innocence pollutes the skies,
Only the wise will deceive all the lies.
And when we fall, we all will precieve,
That someone's sitting by, watching us bleed.
(Watching us bleed!)
I really like this introduction. It has some really good imagry and it gives a strong intro about what you're writting about.

Beat down by who we believe, (Who to believe!?)
All this pain is killing me.
I'll take all the blame, (All of the shame!) I don't know about this line. I don't really get why you would want to take the blame for something that is infinately evil. If it was me I would write something about running and hidding
I know I won't be the same,
Cut me loose from the ties that bind, (The ties that bind!)
Expel me from my evil mind, I would also write something a little different here. Because you have opened your eyes to the evil around you, and now you are trying to run away. Trying to warn all the people you can, while running. At least, that is how I think this should be, but of course, this is your work and your ideas.
I don't belong in this figure of crime.
Sell me out and take my pride, (Take my pride!)
Believe me all that's good has died.

These piercing screams held in my mind, (It's all in my head!)
Why would life want to leave me blind? (I'm better off dead!)
Grab hold of your sinking feeling,
You don't act, just leave me bleeding.
(All this pain I'm creating!)
Here. whatever your story was, this killed it. It seems like you have forced everything in this stanza, to me it does not seem natural

Every time you kick us down, (Kick us down!)
We get back up, and take the crown.
Now you stand, listen to the sound, (The sound!)
it's the anthem, we're tearing you down.
We're were all chasing a fool's gold, (Be strong, be bold!)
None of us here, have got a strong hold.
There's no way we could change this, (A never-ending crisis!)
We're all, just names without faces.To me, this line still fits perfectly to the feeling you have started with the first stanza

(All I ever did was lie!)
Sell me out and take my pride,
(Wait for the blood to dry!)
Believe me, all that's good has died.

Really, I don't care too much about this style. And even within this style, you seem to loose what it is you think you know. This sounds like something that was written over a long period of time and your ideas of things change with almost every line. Sorry, but I think you should re-think this one through again Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#7
Quote by 24WildRovers
The blood of innocence pollutes the skies,
Only the wise will deceive all the lies.
And when we fall, we all will precieve,
That someone's sitting by, watching us bleed.
(Watching us bleed!)
I really like this introduction. It has some really good imagry and it gives a strong intro about what you're writting about.

Beat down by who we believe, (Who to believe!?)
All this pain is killing me.
I'll take all the blame, (All of the shame!) I don't know about this line. I don't really get why you would want to take the blame for something that is infinately evil. If it was me I would write something about running and hidding
I know I won't be the same,
Cut me loose from the ties that bind, (The ties that bind!)
Expel me from my evil mind, I would also write something a little different here. Because you have opened your eyes to the evil around you, and now you are trying to run away. Trying to warn all the people you can, while running. At least, that is how I think this should be, but of course, this is your work and your ideas.
I don't belong in this figure of crime.
Sell me out and take my pride, (Take my pride!)
Believe me all that's good has died.

These piercing screams held in my mind, (It's all in my head!)
Why would life want to leave me blind? (I'm better off dead!)
Grab hold of your sinking feeling,
You don't act, just leave me bleeding.
(All this pain I'm creating!)
Here. whatever your story was, this killed it. It seems like you have forced everything in this stanza, to me it does not seem natural

Every time you kick us down, (Kick us down!)
We get back up, and take the crown.
Now you stand, listen to the sound, (The sound!)
it's the anthem, we're tearing you down.
We're were all chasing a fool's gold, (Be strong, be bold!)
None of us here, have got a strong hold.
There's no way we could change this, (A never-ending crisis!)
We're all, just names without faces.To me, this line still fits perfectly to the feeling you have started with the first stanza

(All I ever did was lie!)
Sell me out and take my pride,
(Wait for the blood to dry!)
Believe me, all that's good has died.

Really, I don't care too much about this style. And even within this style, you seem to loose what it is you think you know. This sounds like something that was written over a long period of time and your ideas of things change with almost every line. Sorry, but I think you should re-think this one through again Keep on Writing


Thanks for the mostly positive crit man as of right now I'm just experimenting with different styles, some arn't really working out all that well, but some are pretty good IMO.
either way, thanks man
#8
This isn't bad. It could be better. Like the first person said, less generic rhymes may help. rhymezone.com if you need help with that. Also "Beat down" needs to be changed to "Beaten down." I can never say this enough: There's no place for bad grammar in songwriting.

I do like it though. I just think it might need a little work. You're not a bad writer though. I've read a few of your pieces now, and it does seem you're trending upward.

Crit mine please.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#9
Quote by dethskar0
This isn't bad. It could be better. Like the first person said, less generic rhymes may help. rhymezone.com if you need help with that. Also "Beat down" needs to be changed to "Beaten down." I can never say this enough: There's no place for bad grammar in songwriting.

I do like it though. I just think it might need a little work. You're not a bad writer though. I've read a few of your pieces now, and it does seem you're trending upward.

Crit mine please.


thanks man. I typed out your crit about a week ago, but my pc crashed I'm back though, so I'll get right to it!