#1
I've never posted anything here before, so I figured I'd finally do it. This is, in my opinion, the best thing I ever wrote. It tells a story that I find quite entertaining lol.

The flow is a bit butchered without the intended rhythm, so I tried spacing it accordingly. Also, there is a bit of cliche in the lyrics. Give me your honest opinions on the piece, good or bad. Constructive criticism would be great.

And of course, I'll C4C if you drop a link.

"Lifeless" by TheThirdDay

Verse 1:
You're right outside and I'd like
Nothing more than to invite you in.


The empty sorrow in your eyes
Is sweet, but it won't fool me again.


With chills runnin' down my spine
I grab my gun and set my sites.
Don't worry, girl, it's not yet time,
But I always keep it by my side.
'Cause I know that any day now
Our love will die.

Chorus 1:
(No vocals)

Verse 2:
My head is pounding; the sound
Of your screaming ringing in my ears.


It's time to leave my past behind;
You'll never shed another tear.


You'll never cry, so why should I?
You're body's here, but not your mind.
Your eyes are blank, your throat is dry...
I look at you and wonder why
The girl banging on my window
Is a lie.

Chorus 2:
Please tell me what the hell are we
Doin' here?


Our empty bodies controlled
By our fear.


Even though you are staring right back at me,
I know that it's not you.


What am I to do?

Bridge A:
(No vocals)

Bridge B:
I used to love you,
But now your just a lifeless rotting
Puppet.

You were perfection,
Now look at you; half of your face is
Missing.

Your skin was so fair
But now it's putrefied;
You're a silhouette
Of what you used to be and now

You're clawing at the baracade...
Let's end this sad little charade
And just accept the fact that you're
Another one of them and I will

Bridge C:
Put you down like all the rest;
Forever in that blood soaked dress.
I can't stand seeing you like this...
I only wish I had confessed

My love for you is undying.
In spite of all the death you bring.
...
Who am I kidding?

I'd give my soul just to be with
You darling, now give me a kiss.
I'll hold you as you bite my lips.

Feast on my flesh down to the bone.
Once I'm nothing, I'll be complete.
You'll never have to be alone;
Forever we shall walk the streets.
Last edited by TheThirdDay at Sep 12, 2010,
#2
zombies? hell yeah, i applaud you in writing a song about zombies, definitely original
#4
Quote by trebe
zombies? hell yeah, i applaud you in writing a song about zombies, definitely original


Why thank you good sir.

Quote by crazysam23_Atax
Very good symbolism, if somewhat morbid.


That tends to be my writing style more often then not lol. But thank you.
#6
This is awesome. One of the best pieces I've read in these forums. I have a fascination with morbidity too though, so I might be a little biased. Haha. I have to admit, at first I didn't like it. But as I progressed through it I started to like it more and more. I love how you keep the fact that she's a zombie hidden until the bridge, but you give subtle hints throughout. The ending does lack flow a little, as was mentioned, but I don't think it needs it. The symbolism is vivid, you can see the story of the song. It's very good.

9.5/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1360656

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1357473

There are two of my pieces. If you have time to check out both of them, that'd be great.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#7
Quote by BloodCold
"Even though you are staring right back it me" typing mistake,you're to write "at"
Work on the ending it's not powerful and it does'nt flow well...
Keep writing!


Thanks. I fixed the typo. Anyway, what would you say is the problem with the flow? In my opinion, the only place the flow really breaks is after the line "I'll hold you as you bite my lips" since that stanza is only three lines. I'd like it if you could point out the break.

Quote by dethskar0
This is awesome. One of the best pieces I've read in these forums. I have a fascination with morbidity too though, so I might be a little biased. Haha. I have to admit, at first I didn't like it. But as I progressed through it I started to like it more and more. I love how you keep the fact that she's a zombie hidden until the bridge, but you give subtle hints throughout. The ending does lack flow a little, as was mentioned, but I don't think it needs it. The symbolism is vivid, you can see the story of the song. It's very good.

9.5/10


This comment has pretty much made my week. Thank you so much, bro. And that's exactly what I was going for. Subtle hints and a big reveal at the end. I can't thank you enough.

And sure, I'll check out your stuff in a bit.