#1
it doesn't seem right
it hurts to know
that as of to-night
he's gone now

life gone to early
not lived enough
to make it through,
you've gottabe tough

don't cry baby, it'll be alright

he's reading a point o seven
new addition to heaven
he'll live the rest of his life
livin' in the afterlife
he's reading a point o seven
new home is now heaven
he'll live the rest of his life,
livin' in the afterlife

bad decision,
ton''s shame
impaired vision
full of blame

lifes no game
you only get one chance
feel the shame
of the devils dance

don't cry baby, sleep tight

he's reading a point o seven
new addition to heaven
he'll live the rest of his life
livin' in the afterlife
he's reading a point o seven
new home is now heaven
he'll live the rest of his life,
livin' in the afterlife


Thoughts?
Quote by DonGlover

You look like a young Eugene Levy, but with a moustache.

Quote by slapsymcdougal
Quote by Dreadnought
Kicking a man when he's down, I'm proud of you

When they're down is the safest time.

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Last edited by skylerjames13 at Oct 4, 2010,
#2
Quote by skylerjames13
it doesn't seem right
it hurts to know
that as of to-night
he's under now

<------------------------------------- Trying to write a verse for here

he's reading a point o seven
new addition to heaven
he'll live the rest of his life
livin' in the afterlife
he's reading a point o seven
new home is now heaven
he'll live the rest of his life,
livin' in the afterlife

bad decision,
ton''s shame
impaired vision
full of blame

lifes no game
you only get one chance
feel the shame
of the devils dance

Thoughts?


For what it is (an acoustic song) its pretty alright. I dont have any overflowing praises to bestow on it, but I dont really have anything bad to say about it either. your rhymes and metaphors are alright, nothing I havent seen before but thats def not a terribly bad thing, it just means your learning and the safe thing to do is to use things that are familiar.

Overall, as I said, its alright, I think id like it better when you have that missing verse done, so lemme know when you have that and ill crit that as well =)

PS. You can use the random rhyme scheme thing of mine :P

KEEP WRITING =)
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#3
Thanks PCA.
Will be sure to notify you when it's finished. Again, thanks.
And I'll be sure to use that technique in future songs. xD
Quote by DonGlover

You look like a young Eugene Levy, but with a moustache.

Quote by slapsymcdougal
Quote by Dreadnought
Kicking a man when he's down, I'm proud of you

When they're down is the safest time.

Soundcloud
Sharks Stanley Cup 15-16
Sharks Stanley Cup 16-17,,,,?
#4
this is good man, i like it. one tip of advice tho, personaly i dont like it when everyother line rhymes you know? it always ends up aounding like a cheesy rap song when you do that, just my opinion tho, over all good tho
#5
Quote by j1o1s1h1b1
this is good man, i like it. one tip of advice tho, personaly i dont like it when everyother line rhymes you know? it always ends up aounding like a cheesy rap song when you do that, just my opinion tho, over all good tho


Yeah I can see that. I was just so used to it when I was learning how to write, that it kinda stuck. It does go smoothly together, but it does sound cheesy sometimes.
Quote by DonGlover

You look like a young Eugene Levy, but with a moustache.

Quote by slapsymcdougal
Quote by Dreadnought
Kicking a man when he's down, I'm proud of you

When they're down is the safest time.

Soundcloud
Sharks Stanley Cup 15-16
Sharks Stanley Cup 16-17,,,,?