#1
I wish you would,
Answer when I called
I wonder why,
You say you're busy all the time
Do you still love me like,
You say you do and
Do you want me in your life (is it all a lie)

Sometimes I wonder what his name is
And if he see's the things that I did
It's all a dream that brings you
To the nightmares that I see
What if he was supposed to be me

We're really done
Can't seem to figure out where
We went wrong
And I can't pull it from you
This is all
A big mistake
The years we wasted, can't replace
Lets go back
To the place that,
This all started

Sometimes I wonder what his name is
And if he see's the things that I did
It's all a dream that brings you
To the nightmares that I see
What if he was supposed to be me

Last night finally left my home
Found something I haven't known
She chased your memories so far from me

I hope you wonder what her name is
And if she sees the things that you did
I can guarantee
It's a different reality
Because it was never supposed to be
You and me
#2
I can relate to this song, even though this isn't the type of song I'd write. I know the feeling exactly. That's a good thing, this would speak to a lot of people, I think. I'm hearing this as a mellow acoustic guitar song, that maybe has drum and bass in the chorus.

The choruses are great. Your verses need to be cleaned up, though, the rhythm and rhyming is pretty sporadic. Your first verse has 7 lines, your 2nd has 10, your third has 3, I'd try to get them to a consistent number. I would aim for 8, and try to get approximately the same number of syllables in each like, +/- 2 I'd say. There are a couple lines that rhyme, but not a lot, I'd try to get some consistent rhyme scheme going. If you had the 2nd or 3rd line rhyme with the 4th, and the 6th or 7th line rhyme with the 8th, you'd be set. You don't necessarily need to rewrite the whole things, but you can extend, shorten, and combine lines to get your rhythm, and maybe change one or two words on the end of the lines to get your rhyming.

Overall, I'd say this is a great concept, just needs a bit of retooling. When you get a chance, I'd appreciate a crit on my song, Ego Bleeding.
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Last edited by Mephysteaux at Sep 10, 2010,