#1
Inverted Pictures

Lift the eyelids of the camera until it can see
the blurrrr of innumerable shapes and sizes
all merging into one flushed facial expression

For what was once a crocked nose pointing East
is now a crocked stick, a narrow walkway and
a cracked sheet of ice over dead fossils

That immediate gasp for breath you felt inside
is not an outward demonstration of God's power
in the form of a waterfall rushing over the edge

Snap the image – stare at it a while – then
discard it. Await the man who is going to
pick you up, tie you into a loose knot
and toss you into the heap with the others.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Sep 9, 2010,
#3
I like how this seems to be cut off, stop motion poetry, if you'd like. Like still photography.

I'm glad you're posting.
This is not a pipe
#6
This is an interesting piece. I like it. The structure is pretty cool, and it flows even though it seems like it's not supposed to. Not much I'd change besides in the third stanza, you say what the grasp of breath is not, so what is it?

Also I don't particularly like the line, "all merging into one flushed facial expression." Though I don't have any suggestions for a change, and I'm not even completely sure why I don't like it.

8.5/10 overall, I think.

Crit mine please?
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#7
I also agree with Carmel. It's original and fits the description, if you want to put it that way. Nice work, keep it up!

Feel like critiquing my latest song too? I know I didn't really offer much, but I guess I'll learn to give a decent criticism from songwriters who are most probably better than me.