#1
Hey guys

Ive recently started taking writing lyrics abit more seriously. I want to write quality but cause ive only just started i dont really know what im doing. does anyone have any tips for what makes good lyrics. im still into the more obsure sort of stuff but i would like to have imagry too.

for example, I did this today

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Untitled


Mirrors reflect my being.
Unclean.
I have soaked in the lake for days on end,
and I am no longer a collectors edition.

As I stand alone beneath the mindless black convulsing sky.
I saw my thoughts moving through the shifting sands.
The ocean welcomes us into its forgein mass.

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Is this anygood? the more brutal the crit the better i guess. I dont want to write cheese. haha

as always i will crit your song or try to crit lyrics.

Peace
#2
Quote by BKGMorley
Untitled

Mirrors reflect my being. Of course mirrors reflect, that's what they do. Needs better imagery or a different noun. 'Water' would work much better, especially given the third line.
Unclean. This works.
I have soaked in the lake for days on end,I think something like "all my life" would make for a more dramatic line than "days on end."
and I am no longer a collectors edition. I'm puzzled with this line. It seems original enough, but it still seems cheesy.

As I stand alone beneath the mindless black convulsing sky. I don't see how either "mindless" or "convulsing" could describe a sky. "Convulsing" could be a stretch for "stormy" or such, but I don't like it here. Also, I don't see a relative flow with the first stanza.
I saw my thoughts moving through the shifting sands. "Moving" is a boring word. And "shifting sands" is such a cliche.
The ocean welcomes us into its forgein mass. I adore this line, though it's spelled "foreign." That was probably a typo on your part anyway. The word "mass" doesn't seem quite the right word. It makes it sound solid.


Overall, this was good. I was very critical, but only because you asked. One thing to keep in mind: a song needs to do one of several things to be good. Tell a story. Make people want to sing along to it (all about catchy tunes). Sound incredibly deep and bizarre.

It looks to me like you're going for the third song type here, which means you need very solid, imaginative lyrics that paint a vivid picture for the listener. I hope that helps.
#3
Quote by Winter Sky
Overall, this was good. I was very critical, but only because you asked. One thing to keep in mind: a song needs to do one of several things to be good. Tell a story. Make people want to sing along to it (all about catchy tunes). Sound incredibly deep and bizarre.

It looks to me like you're going for the third song type here, which means you need very solid, imaginative lyrics that paint a vivid picture for the listener. I hope that helps.


Thank you so much, this really does help and gives me a good direction to go in. thank you for you honesty
#4
I think this is a good start. You've got solid imagery, and it paints a fairly vivid picture, but at the same time it's a little strange, it makes it intriguing. I think it could use a bit of technical work, though.

One thing to keep in mind when you write the rest of this is that your rhymes are very loose, like you rhyme being with unclean, end with edition, and sands with mass. There's nothing wrong with that, just be aware of it so you can be consistent as you add more onto it.

Quote by BKGMorley
Mirrors reflect my being. I think using a mirror is okay. Mirrors reflect an image, to say it reflects a being makes it seem like the mirror sees inside you.
Unclean. I would beef up this line, maybe something like "It tells me I'm unclean," just so your rhythm stays a little more consistent.
I have soaked in the lake for days on end,
and I am no longer a collectors edition. "Collector's Edition" is a bit confusing, I would consider replacing that with "Mint condition," I think that makes more sense in this context

As I stand alone beneath the mindless black convulsing sky. I don't mind the mindless black, convulsing sky. It makes it seem kind of surreal at first, but as I thought about it more, I realized you could also be talking about pulsing stars, thunder storms, a city skyline, or a number of things. I would add a line after this, with something rhyming with sky.
I saw my thoughts moving through the shifting sands.
The ocean welcomes us into its forgein mass. This line doesn't quite sit well with me. I take foreign to mean unfamiliar, and water isn't really an unfamiliar thing to most people. I think you'd be better suited with an adjective like endless or infinite. This coupled with the previous two lines make me think you're on a deserted beach, but if you tweak this stanza a bit, it could take on whole new meanings. Like, if you said "neon sands" and "concrete ocean", it could allude to feeling alone in a populous urban sprawl, or you could really make it take on any meaning. Doing something like that could add a layer of depth to this.

When you get a chance, I'd appreciate a crit on my song, Ego Bleeding
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