#1
(Alright, here's a re-post. Still working on it. Probably always will be. It was written more for sentimental value, so whatever.)

She left for the east coast.
She made a mistake.
So I burned all her pictures,
And I ****ed up my face.

Sometimes I wonder
If things could have changed
If I'd just dropped the bottle
And the pills down the drain.

It hurts, man, I know.
Have a smoke and let's go home.

She still never visits
Or answers my calls.
And I still get the shakes,
When it's this late in fall.

She may never notice.
She may never care.
But I'll never stop singing
'Til she hears me, I swear.

It hurts, man, I know.
Have a smoke and let's go home.
Shit's ****ed up, man, I know.
Take a drag and let's go home.

Have a smoke and let's go home.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 10, 2010,
#2
I don't understand why you have to emphasize so much that you were high/drunk/highly intoxicated while you wrote this. It really does take away from the piece, firstly because it just puts on this air of "yeah I'm drunk a lot and I write." that is so overplayed it's boring.

There are so many words here but all you say is "I miss some girl but then I drink or smoke and I feel better." And it's not relatable, it has no depth, it doesn't mean anything to me and the audience is what it's about, is it not? So write for the audience.

As for advice, I would advise you first of all to try to write sober or if you don't write sober don't say it a thousand times and it should show itself through the writing anyway and we will understand.

Say more things and less words.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Ganoosh,

I wasn't emphasizing so much as I was giving a background for the lyrics. And I stated it twice, the second time as merely a joke to lighten the mood of a rather dull piece. I'm not going for an image or some shit by giving background to a song.

Also, this was written for the audience. The audience being my little brother, who was the only person who gave a shit about me when I was depressed. That's why most of it seems shallow and pointless. It's all extremely personal references that only he would get. I suppose that makes this a terrible piece for which to ask for criticism.

For the record, this is the only piece of any sort that I was drunk while writing. If you want depth or coherence, my poetry is much better than my music. I write poetry to use the English language as an art form. I write music to scream into a microphone about shit that no one but me cares to know.

Also, you say I use a lot of words to say little as if that's not what music is mostly about. Music is stretching one central idea into 3 minutes or more, and hoping someone out there can relate. And I'm sure more than a handful of people can relate to drinking in an attempt to get over grief.

Not that I don't appreciate your criticism, but I don't appreciate bashing, and that's more or less what your post was.

Again, read my poetry if you want fancy words and such. I don't get as technical or deep with my music.
#4
It wasn't bashing, if you took it that way then I'm sorry but it wasn't. I gave you advice, and I still stand by it. Say more things and less words. Yes, you have a central idea of a song, but that doesn't mean you just repeat the same exact thing in different ways. There's a development to it, there's a complexity to it that this doesn't have. If you need to try to "stretch" it into three minutes, then you need to either write a shorter song or develop the idea a little more.

I have read your poetry before, and that's why I was hard on this. You're not as technical or deep with your music but you have the ability to be and it would be much more enjoyable. You're a good writer and I felt like this was far below what you're capable of, that's all.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Yeah, I get you, man. My bad, I got a little defensive; it's been a rough week what with starting college and, well, I won't make excuses. Anyway, I'm kind of honored that you think my poetry is good. You're one of the best writers around here.

I'll try to polish this shit up a bit and re-post it. In the meantime, I hope to see some of your work. I've been gone too long.

Take care, mate.
#6
If you want to take a look I've just posted something tonight, it's on the first page somewhere.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
Quote by Ganoosh
Say more things and less words.

This, coupled with my favorite one-liner advice:
Don't tell me how you feel, make me feel how you feel.

It's okay to get a little emo

As a side note, I find the repetitive use of the interjection "man" as annoying here as I do in person. If you do rewrite/polish this, I suggest losing that.
#8
Yeah, you should have seen it before I edited all of the verses. It was a repetitive mess. At least it tells more of a story now. Or rather, it expands on an event and how it affected me.

The use of "man" in the verses has been removed, though they really were only in there because that's the way I had originally sang (sung? I never know which to use) the song when I wrote it. That's how I typed it up, and I never really got around to fixing the song until now.

The problem with its use in the refrain is that, without it, there's this awkward gap in the vocal melody. I need that syllable, and extending "know" to two syllables sounds like shit. I don't know what the hell else to put there, though God knows I've tried to work that kink out.

I'd have to disagree on one point, though. With music, the lyrics aren't necessarily written to make people feel the emotion. The lyrics are just a driving force for the voice, which is really what makes people believe (or not) the emotion.
#9
What Ganoosh said, write something sober or atleast dont repeat it a 1000 times its really iritating!
My half assed suggestion for chrous...
"It hurts.Yeah,it hurts much
I'm entirely ****ed up
I know.Drown myself,get drunk
then return home all burnt"
That is if you really wanna say you aint sober...Also something more connectable for the audiance is needed in the verses but dont drop off what you already have(i like it) just introduce more relatable stuff...
Keep writing!

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1360368
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 10, 2010,
#10
This was good!
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