#1
Here is my misguided take on the state of organized religion...its only a very rough cut, but I think it has potential to be lyrics to one of our bands songs...

The simplicity of the lyrics is intentional, its how I am attempting to use symbolism.

Krock


Hypocrites and Magic


My friend Mr. Jesus are stoned enough to care?
As the world falls down around you
Do you think that you will be spared?
Your father is an illusion, just another dead bead dad.
Doesn't call and doesn't answer,
My friend I think that you've been had.

On the sixth day he made the mother****er,
and it ate up all the land.
Until it stopped forever, in the place where time began.
The demons and the deadmen are stacked up to the sky.
Mr. Jesus can you tell me,
Is this where we all die?

If science is made of magic and religion of hypocrites,
When the last man is left standing,
does anybody win?
A tidal wave of anger, from a hurricane of hate,
With nothing left to believe in
our hope dissolves away.

So **** you Mr. Jesus, are you still to stoned to care?
That I'm just spinning in a circle,
Because you've left me alone out there.


Hope you like...Crit 4 Crit...if you feel compelled to comment, lets keep it constructive...
Last edited by kindenrock at Sep 16, 2010,
#3
Quote by kindenrock
Here is my misguided take on the state of organized religion...its only a very rough cut, but I think it has potential to be lyrics to one of our bands songs...

The simplicity of the lyrics is intentional, its how I am attempting to use symbolism.

Krock


Hypocrites and Magic


My friend Mr. Jesus are stoned enough to care? (I like the double entendre here, if you did that intentionally.)
As the world falls down around you
Do you think that you will be spared?
Your father is an illusion, just another dead bead dad. (*Dead beat, but I don't care too much for this line. I'm not sure why. It just seems like you're trying too hard I guess.)
Doesn't call and doesn't answer,
My friend I think that you've been had. (This line seems out of place. It's not the best phrasing of what you were trying to convey. I understand that it's the simple rhyme to take, but I really think this is the worst line out of the entire piece. Rhymezone.com if you need help with a rhyme, I'd try to think of a replacement for this line.)

On the sixth day he made the mother****er,
and it ate up all the land.
Until it stopped forever, in the place where time began.
The demons and the deadmen are stacked up to the sky.
Mr. Jesus can you tell me,
Is this where we all die? (There's nothing wrong with this stanza at all. I usually wouldn't like lines like the first one, but I do in this case for some reason. I like the ending, maybe change every occurrence of "Mr. Jesus" to "Dear Christ" or something similar. It just sounds better, less comedic to me. I really like this stanza though.)

If science is made of magic and religion of hypocrites,
When the last man is left standing,
does anybody win? (I'm not sure how you're gonna make "hypocrites" and "win" rhyme but maybe you can pull it off. This part doesn't seem to flow as well as the rest of the piece. Again, I can suggest rhymezone.com because it can help you figure out the end of your line and work backwards from there to make a better part than what the second and third line come together to create here. The first line of this stanza is fine, but the second and third are boring to me.)
A tidal wave of anger, from a hurricane of hate,
With nothing left to believe in
our hope dissolves away. (I don't really think we had hope to begin with. I understand this line and it's not necessarily that it's bad, but I don't really like it.)

So **** you Mr. Jesus, are you still to stoned to care? (I wouldn't ever repeat a double entendre in a piece. You might want to think of another one, because when one is repeated it makes it less special. Also, the **** you part is kind of lame. There are better ways to say that, ways that constitute interesting writing. Don't really like this line here.)
That I'm just spinning in a circle,
Because you've left me alone out there. (Out where? If you take my advice and change the first line, you can think of a different rhyme for this line. I think "out here" would sound much better than "out there" so maybe you could try changing the first line to end in something that rhymes with "here" which wouldn't be difficult to do. Other than that, it's not a bad way to end the song.)


Hope you like...Crit 4 Crit...if you feel compelled to comment, lets keep it constructive...


Overall, it's not bad. I'd say 6/10 or maybe 6.5/10. But it does have the potential to be maybe a 7.5 or 8. So it's not bad, but it could be a lot better. See if any of my tips help out at all. Also, maybe you should start trying to incorporate more complex rhymes to create symbolism. I'm sure you could do it, and if you tried I think you could create something a lot better than this. Again, not that this is bad, but if you keep at it and try to broaden your thought process, I think you could write something much more interesting / entertaining. Just keep up the writing.

Thanks for your crit on my piece by the way.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#5
First of all thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Way to draw me in with the first verse. I really enjoyed that part. The second verse was good as well, but it just didn't have to strong meaning of the first verse and the third verse. Also I think you could find a better word than "mnother ****er". Also not sure about the closing line to the piece. It just sounds too much like self pity and I just didn't expect it from this piece. Anyways, nice, job man