coughing out the side of car
seven inches of grass
and no streetlights
where am I
my throat is dry
did I drink enough
to let the current through
or did I smoke too much
so i asked you
to take it away
there was a creature in my stomach
and it felt like you
it never left me
it only grew
till it erupted
and I became a river
and I flowed into the drainpipes
and I saw the world
and I lived forever.
You've got quite a good thing going here.
I could say a few things about punctuation and line breaks, etc,
but frankly the main thing I have for saying here is that you left a couple images here undeveloped.
Why did 7 inches of grass matter ? What kind of creature was in your stomach ? Things like that. You've got some room left here, why not elaborate a bit ?

Anything you could say on the link there in my sig would be great. Nothin fancy, just a I liked it or not deal.
I like this a lot, but I feel like the "so" in "so i asked you" flows awkwardly and should be taken out.

Other than that it's honestly great.

EDIT: Oh and I think you should end "or did I smoke too much" with a question mark, going along with the whole flow thing
Last edited by rd93 at Sep 11, 2010,