#1
such an elegant stumble in your delivery
a slip covered up with a cough, or sneeze
what a way to break the room, I tell ya
it emptied like the afternoon

several words eschewed their meanings
into something else completely, entirely untrue
but for a minute the stutter was a little cute
it seemed to soften your attitude

what a way to break the room
it emptied like the afternoon

you masticated on your quip for a moment
before letting it loose

and you masticated on your quip
for what seemed like an eternity
before letting it loose, you see
it was obvious a little rude

what a way to break the room
it emptied like the afternoon

(all of the strangers fell to the floor)
(all of the strangers fell to the floor)
all of the strangers probably ignored
all of the strangers, think you're a bore

but they can't see what I see
they haven't learned to read you yet
they're heads are empty like the afternoon
#2
I liked the idea behind it a lot more than the execution, but then I'm not in the mood for a song so much as I am looking for meaning. So I guess it's all good.
This is not a pipe
#3
Over all, I like this piece. I don't care for the line "you masticated on your quip." And I especially don't like it twice. It just seems like you're trying too hard with that line. Other than that, it's fairly solid. I like the lines "But for a minute the stutter was a little cute" and "All the strangers fell to the floor."

8/10?

Crit mine please.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#4
Really loved everything except what the guy above me pointed out...i guess since the line is there you really want it to be there but you need to get rid of atleast the repitition!Other than that i really enjoyed myself this was interesting and creative
But the title never prepared me for something this exotic!
C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1349003
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 14, 2010,