#1
C4C

I wrote this while I was hanging out with the clouds(If you understand) so, I'm not really sure if it has a meaning at all. But, I like it, so give me your opinions and your interpretations of the meaning. I would like to read them.

Distant Cellophane Grips the Sun


I'm here, inside
I'm one, only one
My world and everyone
A place where you
Couldn't tell the time

I've abandoned my name
I left my feelings and shame
A comfort only I could guess
I found it between you
And loneliness

Your stars are falling
Onto my eyes
In the grass we slept
And woke from the sun
As it cuts though our dreams

In the rain we flew
And through the sky
We shared our souls
Our hands connect
By the winds cold

The light is warm
A train breaks through
Into our cloud
We board the courier
And it separates us

From the dream
I hated to see you go
To watch your body
Fall into the snow

I tried to save you
To go back in time
And stop the love
From breaking through

On the edge of life
A boy sits and writes
Of all the things he sees

And after a while
The thought will shatter
To the sound of piano keys

Just before
The sight of sails
Break over the sky

He asked for a voice
There was no answer
And no reason why

The face of Frigg
Slowly curled
And with your voice
She destroyed the world
#2
He asked for a voice
There was no answer
And no reason why

The face of Frigg
Slowly curled
And with your voice
She destroyed the world

I like these last 2 the best, but overall not bad.
#3
Quote by Mattm2232
C4C

I wrote this while I was hanging out with the clouds(If you understand) so, I'm not really sure if it has a meaning at all. But, I like it, so give me your opinions and your interpretations of the meaning. I would like to read them.

Distant Cellophane Grips the Sun


I'm here, inside
I'm one, only one
My world and everyone
A place where you
Couldn't tell the time
Good way to open the piece. It's interesting, makes you wanna hear more. "A place where you couldn't tell the time" is effective.

I've abandoned my name
I left my feelings and shame
A comfort only I could guess
I found it between you
And loneliness
Overall the best stanza of the entire piece. "I've abandoned my name" is introspective in an interesting way. And the flow of this stanza is well-executed.

Your stars are falling
Onto my eyes
In the grass we slept
And woke from the sun
As it cuts though our dreams
It starts to get weaker here. Maybe you'd wanna change it to the sun burning through your dreams? The sun isn't a particularly sharp object. If you don't absolutely have to have this stanza, I'd take it out. Otherwise, I'd revise it.

In the rain we flew
And through the sky
We shared our souls
Our hands connect
By the winds cold
Still nowhere near as strong as it opened. Not much else to say about this stanza.

The light is warm
A train breaks through
Into our cloud
We board the courier
And it separates us
Why exactly, does it seperate you? You're boarding the same "courier." You might wanna beef up this and the previous two stanzas in order to maintain the listener / reader's attention throughout. You don't wanna open strong and progress to boring.

From the dream
I hated to see you go
To watch your body
Fall into the snow
You start to build the momentum back up with this stanza. It's solid.

I tried to save you
To go back in time
And stop the love
From breaking through
You've already used the phrase "break through." You might wanna change that up, so as not to sound redundant.

On the edge of life
A boy sits and writes
Of all the things he sees

And after a while
The thought will shatter
To the sound of piano keys

Just before
The sight of sails
Break over the sky

He asked for a voice
There was no answer
And no reason why

The face of Frigg
Slowly curled
And with your voice
She destroyed the world
I think the rest of these kind of go together, so no need to do them one by one. First of all, I don't know who Frigg is. But other than that, this is well-worded and doesn't need much revision. It ends the way it began, which was great. "With your voice, she destroyed the world" is a captivating line. I like it.


It opens well, and ends well. That's good, but you might want to shore up the middle so you don't lose the attention of the audience. The middle was mind-numbingly boring compared to the rest of the piece, which is interesting and entertaining. Overall, 7/10. But it has the potential to be a 9.5 if you fix it up a little.

Crit mine please?
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
Last edited by dethskar0 at Sep 11, 2010,