#1
Hail Allah,

hail people
and cities
and streetlights
and streets.

hail sparrows
and blueberries,
mouses and
geese.

hail the wind in your hair,
in the clouds
and the
trees.

hail Allah
hail Yaweh
hail Jesus


Hail peace.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#2
I like this, it's short and effective. My only complaint is "and streetlights / and streets". It feels clumsy to me, but I don't know how it could be changed. And I don't know what the "oil spill" has to do with it, if anything, I guess it went over my head. Is it important?
#3
Quote by Ganoosh
Hail Allah,

hail people
and cities
and streetlights
and streets.

As rd93 stated, the last two lines feel clumsy. I don't know how you could change it, seeing as "streetlights" is in the title. I'd suggest changing it to "headlights," as that's the only other word I can think of that would fit here, without changing anything else around.

hail sparrows
and blueberries,
mouses and
geese.

I like the way you used an incorrect plural for the sake of flow. It works well in a piece like this, which in itself has almost a nursery rhyme flow to it.

hail the wind in your hair,
in the clouds
and the
trees.

I love this stanza, though I don't like the placement of line breaks. "Hail the wind/in your hair/in the clouds/and the trees" would look better, though of course, that's just nitpicking of artistic choice.

hail Allah
hail Yaweh
hail Jesus


Hail peace.

I like the ending. It wraps it all up quite nicely. Admittedly, I had to google "Yaweh" which, by the way, is apparently misspelled. Wiki, and everywhere else, spells it as "Yahweh." Anyway, good ending.


I enjoyed this. It's a much more solid piece than your last, and it's good to see a less obscure piece from you. Good work, as always.
#4
Really, I enjoy writing more "obscure" things. I refuse to change any word choice in this particular piece. And yes streetlights is in the title, I also made the title after I wrote the piece. Titles mean nothing. I know Yaweh is misspelled, I hate that word spelled with an H. It looks clumsy and reminds me of Shrek.

Thanks both of you for reading.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Sep 12, 2010,
#5
Your choosing to misspell the word Yahweh for such a reason is the kind of thing I admire you for. You have complete creative control over your work, and I appreciate that.

Also, it's easy to tell you prefer more obscure writings, but I think that's why I like this piece so much. You rarely write in such simple terms, so this piece is like an odd amongst evens. Good to see you're still as clever with words as ever. I was gone so long that I had almost forgotten how well you write. Can't wait for your next piece.
#6
smiled after 'mouses and geese'
this is sweet, the sort of manipulated poem that a child would spit out in second grade, something to simplify the world and make you think 'hey, shut up for a second and smell the motherfacking flowers'. i enjoy the tone and jumbles you use, especially after the spiralling grit one; such stark contrast
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