#1
So, this is the first time I've seriously tried writing lyrics, instead of music. It isn't finished yet, I'm about 60-70% done, I guess. Here it is.


Wrapped in black silk
Suspended above the silent shroud
Womb, dissolving, emanating freedom,
giving way to Earth's beckoning call.

Blissful descent
to a world unbeknown
Which of demons would dare
harm sky's embrace?

Chorus(kinda):
Tribulations lay dormant,
awaiting my discordant presence.

By mind, my soles
tested our inherited Earth
Leaving guided trails to fade,
to the sound of water pouring.

Dawn at the lake,
Light permeating
through wind-guided strands
Down at the lake,
she sat kneeled.


Let me know what you guys think!
#2
Quote by Keth
So, this is the first time I've seriously tried writing lyrics, instead of music. It isn't finished yet, I'm about 60-70% done, I guess. Here it is.


Wrapped in black silk
Suspended above the silent shroud
Womb, dissolving, emanating freedom,
giving way to Earth's beckoning call.
^^The above stanza might sound better if you worked on the flow, and the rhyming.
It sounds cool being said, but also seems a bit chunky and poorly written.


Blissful descent
to a world unbeknown
Which of demons would dare
harm sky's embrace?
^^Again I like the stanza itself, sounds good. But the flow and the rhyming would really help it.

Chorus(kinda):
Tribulations lay dormant,
awaiting my discordant presence.
^^Is this the whole chorus? because that is very short. Maybe extend it a little to make it seem a little less... well, underpowered.

By mind, my *souls?*
tested our inherited Earth
Leaving guided trails to fade,
to the sound of water pouring.
^^You already know what I'm going to say. Rhyming and Flow. And btw this is the weakest stanza in my opinion.

Dawn at the lake,
Light permeating
through wind-guided strands
Down at the lake,
she sat kneeled.
^^Rhyming and flow. And also a rough ending to a so-so piece. Maybe work on it a little bit.


Well, I'm going to be the guy who doesn't like this piece. Mostly just because of the fact that it never rhyme's, and flow is awkward and distraught. But I do like the premise, its got a good background, it's just not played out well.
4/10
Keep writing, you can do better.
C4C?
#3
Oh damn, I forgot to say that this aren't supposed to be lyrics, in the usual way, I'll most likely use it as a text to be read with/during the course of the song, so that's why it doesn't flow/rhyme as would be the case with standard lyrics. The chorus will only be repeated once more, so it's not a chorus in the traditional sense, really. And also, I meant soles in that part, as in the bottom of a foot.

Could you perhaps recrit it with this in mind?
#4
Quote by Keth
So, this is the first time I've seriously tried writing lyrics, instead of music. It isn't finished yet, I'm about 60-70% done, I guess. Here it is.


Wrapped in black silk
Suspended above the silent shroud
Womb, dissolving, emanating freedom,
giving way to Earth's beckoning call.

I'm torn on this stanza. On one hand, it's really imaginative and the imagery is good. On the other hand, it feels clumsy, especially going from the second to third lines. There needs to be punctuation or something there.

Blissful descent
to a world unbeknown
Which of demons would dare
harm sky's embrace?

I don't like the use of the word unbeknown. It feels thrown in for the sole purpose of sounding obscure and creative. The last two lines are killer.

Chorus(kinda):
Tribulations lay dormant,
awaiting my discordant presence.

Solid stanza. No real complaints, though my personal taste is against the use of the word "tribulations." I just never liked the word. It sounds clumsy, even if it isn't.

By mind, my soles
tested our inherited Earth
Leaving guided trails to fade,
to the sound of water pouring.

Amazing imagery here. I adore this stanza. In my opinion, this stanza could be a stand-alone piece had you not written it as a larger piece.

Dawn at the lake,
Light permeating
through wind-guided strands
Down at the lake,
she sat kneeled.

A somewhat boring stanza to end an otherwise imaginative piece. I don't like that this goes from obscure and full of imagery with no real subject, to an ending with a real setting.

Let me know what you guys think!


Overall a good piece. Well-written and creative, and the imagery really struck me. Keep it up.