#1
crit4crit

HOMESICK (SICK OF HOME)

Stuck in a traffic jam
That I hope never ends
But if worse comes to worst
I could drive off a bridge.
Maybe I should go down,
Be consoled by old friends
Open up to them
And open wounds from the past.
No, I'm gonna go cross country
Find what's missing in my life
But I'm really low on gas
And don't really have the time.

So I turn the radio on
For a song that can relate
To keeping calm and steady
In a car that always shakes.
Just a weak transmission
Driven too many miles;
Just too much bitching
And not enough smiles.

I need to leave for a while;
Maybe when I get back,
I'll finally be satisfied
With everything I have.
But right now it feels like,
You're draining all my blood.
I swear I love you all;
I think I love you all too much.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Mar 8, 2011,
#2
I'm not going to lie these lyrics are really nice, but one or two of the lines seem to me a bit extreme, and a tad out of place - "But if worse comes to worst, I could drive it of a bridge". I like lyrics that have strong meaning but at the same aren't to obvious, whereas those two lines are a bit to obvious for me :-/ Apart from that I think the last two parts run into each other really well and your point comes across. I really like the idea of turning on the radio to hear a song that knows how you feel - i'm sure there's a name for that but i'm not sure what it's called but it's clever. The last two lines are a nice touch aswell. Do you have any music for these words?


Jack.
#3
This is kind of hit and miss to me. I actually like the part about driving the car off a bridge. What I don't like is that you used the word "drive" in two lines in a row in the first stanza. Seems a little redundant. Maybe you could change it to "Maybe I should go back / be consoled by old friends" or something. I don't know, but I'd change that. I also don't like the line "Yes my car's about to break down." That line is boring to me. The ending was awesome though. I really like that part.

Also, *I'll finally be satisfied.
And, *You're draining all my blood.

Just to help with grammar.

It's not bad though. 7/10?

Crit mine please.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#4
I think the idea for this song is good and really unique...also some of the lines that you use really resonate....it seems like you are going for the apathy angle in this song, which is really apparent in this part:

So I think I'll go cross country
To find what's missing in my life,
But I'm low on gas
And I don't really have the time.

This reminds me of something Neil Young would write, and that should be a huge complement...there are other parts of this song that are quite well written.

However, I think that the majority of this song uses "bulky sentence structure, where you try to fit in too many words or awkward words....since you aren't using a rhyming couplets style, maybe some internal rhymes could help the flow and spice up the song overall....

Anyway, good work. Lets see a rewrite soon...if you have a chance crit one of mine:
Reeferdale, Ocho Rio Beauty Queen, or Hypocrites and Magic..

KR
Last edited by kindenrock at Sep 16, 2010,
#5
I loved it except for the 'draining my blood' part. I dont know why, it just felt out of place to me.
#6
Thanks for the critique champ =]

Immediately, I love the hyperbole in ''I could drive off a bridge'' - there's this quirky exaggerated charm about it, but it still captures the sort of psychological effect you seem to be going for.
The following lines of the first stanza remind me of ''The Road Not Taken'' by Robert Frost, though in this case it's how your character has time to consider the path they'll take with the traffic jam in place - which whether intentional or not, I love how this idea juxtaposes with the ''And I really don't have the time'' lines of stanza one. There's that slight paradox there, and the frame of mind of the character is sort of ambiguous, which I think is a great touch.

At first I didn't like stanza two all much - the rhyming scheme and length of lines came across as a little dim. But after reading over it again, and comparing it to the other lines, I'm seeing a little charm; in that in the other two stanzas there's a distinct lack of rhyme, but in this portion where you reference the need for a relateable song, you're using a song format in a way - really clever stuff!

I have no complaints about stanza three, but i will say that I love the final two lines; there's this authentic quality about it, in that you could really imagine a person saying it.

All in all, I think each stanza has its own great unique qualities and the subtle techniques - whether intentional or not - give a great atmosphere.
Is there's anything in particular you'd like me to double-check for though, feel free to send me a PM to let me know.