#1
OTS

These regrets illuminate the fringed edges of my forgetful memory:

I forgot what happened that night
and the way it affected you and me
and us and her. We came in threes back then.
You neglected to document why and what,
but only who and where and when,
and the way you taught me to
crawl and then walk and then lie
when I woke the next day.

I remember, though, the words you said
to her and the way they made me
seep into my own insides like a turtle,
and I retreated to the shore where I was born.
The waves left bruises and marks,
leaving me as if I'd been in a fight
or was thinking of coming in pairs again,
and you cried in your own arms
when you saw me looking as death like that.

We rarely talk now, and even less about
anything meaningful or real or true.
Even less about pairs. We come in ones these days.
I forgot how cute you are when you're mad
at me for bringing up pairs again,
and the way we never came in them.

You and me and us, without her,
we view the lake as home
from inside ourselves, like turtles.
#2
This is interesting, but I'm afraid I don't understand it at all. I'm not sure if that's my fault or yours. Good thing is I can fill in the blanks with my own imagination. i have no idea who "Her" is. When you're talking about some life-changing event so vaguely and I have no idea what happened, it's just kinda...meh. Y'know? I don't have a reason to care unless I make up my own.

I enjoyed the talk of pairs and ones and threes and such. It seemed kinda clever.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
The idea behind the lack of information is the concept that I don't know myself exactly what happened or who was involved. The first line, describing my memory as faulted, is supposed to kind of set up for the hole-filled recalling of memories.

So, the fact that you had to fill in the blanks with your own ideas and imagination means that I kind of got the response I was looking for, though the fact that you didn't understand why you had to do so means I didn't clarify the idea well enough.

Having written this on the spot, I don't know if I got that idea across well enough to get away with that sort of concept. I'll wait for a few more crits and see if I need to reword it or better emphasize the "poor memory" idea behind the piece.
#4
Yeah this is interesting and i also enjoyed the talk of pairs
So what i got from this was that there is you and two girls and something happened so the girls are fighting and you feel like death.Now when the whole scene is over you forget parts of it and the girl tells you everthing except why, gets upset over talks of pairs and such...You still see each other but the relationship is sour n painful
Now who the hell are the 2 girls?
Maybe you were two timing and the girl with you now is the one you really love?

If i got this wrong then you probably need to re work this(without destroying the beauty it already has though).The fact that you have half forgotten this is apparent and you dont need to work on that in my opinion.

P.S Thnks for your crit on my song but that was written just for the heck of writing!
Here is a piece i really worked on, C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1349003
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 14, 2010,
#5
I'll try to rework this to better tell who the two girls are and what the relationships between the three of us were. I won't give away what this is really about just yet. I'd like to see if, after throwing in some innuendos and metaphors, it's more apparent what happened.

Thanks for the critique; I'll get to your other piece sometime today, promise.