#1
Love Neck
a single bone lines the neck like a ripple on a river
dying as the stone sinks to the bottom
the weakened flesh quivers, raising a dozen thin blonde hairs
and tickling my rough and yellow lips

I am lost in the bottle, aboard a barely floating ship
waiting so patiently to set sail
the cheap champagne crashes against our backs
celebrating a fresh beginning

her desire is the wind that will soon start to howl
flowing rhythmically and in rhymes
but the gods hold back from letting loose the clouds
favouring the enemy this time

The snap of her neck – of that bone – is calming
I now have no sea to travel, no winds to master
and no gods to please; it is just me and the stars
floating in the sky above me
#2
I'm not so good at the deciphering metaphorical imagery thing, but the way I see it, there are two possibilities: a) you're talking about a ship or b) you're actually talking about breaking a girl's neck, which incidentally makes that last stanza totally awesome, in my opinion

Personally, how successful this is at... whatever it is that these things do, depends on how open to interpretation you intended to leave this, and what audience you might be aiming for. Personally, it's a little too open for my tastes, and it left me confused as to what was going on. On the other hand, I can imagine someone taking their sweet time dissecting every hidden message in this.

That's about all the opinion I have, as I would be lying if I said I could properly understand this piece. If you wouldn't mind, I've a link in the sig that got no love before it fell off the page.
#4
Thanks, lads.

You can take whatever you want from it. That's how I've always wanted to write. If you want it to be about breaking a girls' neck, then that's what it's about.

Incidentally that is what it is about, but that's not that entire point.
#5
Thanks for the critique champ =]

Right from the first stanza, I'm loving the use of alliteration and assonance in ''ripple in a river'' - there's such a great flow when these sorts of techniques are used, and this is no exception.
My only complaint of the first stanza is the use of the word ''weakened'' which disrupted the flow a little, to me. The ''w'' sound is a little clumsy, while the ''k'' comes across as a bit aggressive, which made it a little uncomfortable for me to read; I can't think of any substitutes right now, but I'll definitely have it in mind.

I love the first line of stanza two, and again the assonance is great (particularly the ''a'' sound in line 3).
Stanza three is brilliant, and lines 3 and 4 demanded a smile from me; I'm not sure what it is, but there's this tremendous charm in there. I think the word ''flowing'' could be substituted for something that has more in common with the ''howl'' of the previous line, if you want to maintain that sort of characteristic and idea. Maybe ''crooning'' or ''singing'', or something similar that has the same aural quality as a howl (not the best examples, but I hope it helps out).

Finally, the fourth stanza is just phenomenal - there's this eerie quality, as if any sort of sound device mentioned earlier has dissipated, and all that's left is the haunting ''snap'' sound you mention. And then there's the sort of juxtaposition of the stars floating, while the character, in a ship (whether metaphorical or not), isn't.

Overall, I love the ambiguity throughout the piece, and the metaphors you've established, while still being open for interpretation - which in my view, is noble for a writer to allow.
I'm sure there are things I'm missing, but if there's anything in particular you'd like me to look out for, please feel free to PM me and I'll update my post.

And finally, I added a couple more lines based on your crit, if you've got the time to check back. Thanks in advance if you're able to. =]

Last edited by juckfush at Sep 18, 2010,
#6
I like this very much although i dont think i really understand it....

In b/w I like your profile pic,did you make that art by any chance?
P.S This is coming verryyy late but i'm sorry for bumping on my very first thread!
#7
maybe write 'and the sky floating above me'
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
This was brilliant. Thanks for posting, sir.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching