#1
This is a quick song I wrote one morning. Any critique or thoughts on it would be most appreciated.

Last night I had the sweetest dream
You were there and you belonged to me
Our loving embrace lingered on
Until I woke and then you were gone

A morning cigarette won't help me forget
The secret love I hold for you
A morning walk can't clear my head
Peace only comes when I'm sleeping dead

I want to sleep forever and never let you go
I want to sleep forever and never let you go

My open eyes tear the embrace apart
As the morning sun burns my tender heart
In my sleep you're mine to keep
In waking hours I can only sit and weep

So I want to sleep forever and never let you go
I want to sleep forever and never let you go
#3
this starts off really nicely but I think you could make it more believable by cutting some of the drama from the end... for example, do you really sit and weep thinking of her? I thought the love was a secret one. does the sun really burn? sometimes words are more effective as a whole when you can relate to them rather than when they're exaggerated.
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#4
A little wordy, less is better sometimes. It would help the timing to cut a short word here and there.
#5
3rd verse needs some work. the intensity of word usage is too different from the previous verse. try and keep it flowing and constant. believable
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