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#1
Okay so just list your favorite comedian and quote from them!

Jo Koy

A redneck is trying to see him (kus hes asian) through his hotel window and says "Come on out, I wanna see ya... he thinks hes a ninja."
#3
Nigga say whaaaaaat?

Edit: Not my favourite quote, I just didn't understand a word of TS's.
Last edited by hobson111 at Sep 14, 2010,
#4
Another stand-up thread you say? I'm okay with this.

If you haven't seen the following:

Lewis Black, Demetri Martin, Mitch Hedberg, Maz Jobrani, hell the whole of the Axis of Evil tour, Dat Phan, Chris Rock, Aziz Ansari, Jim Gaffigan (esp. Beyond the Pale), Eddie Izzard, or the others I forgot

then you're missing out.

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#7
Quote by ESPLTDV401DX
The lack of Mitch Hedburg in this thread disturbs me.

Quote by SteveHouse
Another stand-up thread you say? I'm okay with this.

If you haven't seen the following:

Lewis Black, Demetri Martin, Mitch Hedberg, Maz Jobrani, hell the whole of the Axis of Evil tour, Dat Phan, Chris Rock, Aziz Ansari, Jim Gaffigan (esp. Beyond the Pale), Eddie Izzard, or the others I forgot

then you're missing out.

wat.
Please excuse my godawful username. I was thirteen.
#8
"I'm a ridiculous human being, but at the same time that's so empowering, because now i don't have to listen to me.....So when someone gets in your face and is like "blah you shouldn't say that you can't say that!" i'm like "mate, i don't give that much of a **** about what I reckon."

Quote by Karl Pilkington
Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."
#9
Quote by Thrasher51
wat.

. Apparantly I have lost the ability to read.
e-married to Jack (bladez)
#10
Quote by ESPLTDV401DX
. Apparantly I have lost the ability to read.

As long as you haven't lost the receipt for your donut

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#11
Quote by SteveHouse
As long as you haven't lost the receipt for your donut

e-married to Jack (bladez)
#14
Pretty much anything Mitch Hedburg said.
I don't always post in the threads but when I do its random and pointless because I'm ignorant enough to think you care.
#15
Quote by soulflyV


It's in his file, under 'D'.


...For "doughnut"?
Gunpowder: FUCKING ROCKS!!!
Quote by The Madcap
[witty set-up]
Gunpowder FUCKING ROCKS!!!!!

Quote by Kensai

Gunpowder you fucking rock!!

Quote by Dirge Humani
Now I can say, with sufficient certainly, that you, Gunpowder...

FUCK ROCKS!
#16
Standup thread -> Mitch thread. Every time.

Relatedly, what's you guys's stance on frilly toothpicks?

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#17
^ I'm for 'em.

I used to know what this thread was about.

I still do, but I used to, too.
Begin again in the night, let's sway again tonight.
Your arm on my shoulder, your cheek against mine.
Where can we go, when will we find that, we know.
Last edited by sadSTATUE at Sep 15, 2010,
#20
I hate stand up threads on UG.
*-)
Quote by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
#23
Quote by element4433
I hate stand up threads on UG.


Thank you.

Bill bailey, "Gravity, is a CIA conspiracy to keep us on earth to stop us floating away."

also when Chris rock goes, "tired, tired, tired, ... tired, tired... "
return 0;

Quote by jsync
And I've eaten at some of Australia's best pizzerias.



SOUNDCLOUD
. com / fancy-elle
#24
John Leguizamo about the death of his grandfather. I'm too lazy to look it up.
Quote by vintage x metal
I love you =] I can't say I was very fond of you when we first started talking because you trolled the hell out of my threads, but after talking to you here I've grown very attached to you.

Yeah, write to my fanclub about it, honey.
#25
"Children can't be our future because in the future they will be adults so blow me"

-George Carlin
Quote by beadhangingOne
What happened to Snake?

Snake?

Snake?

SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE?!


Quote by TunerAddict
you can take my mouse and keyboard from my cold, slightly orange from cheetos, dead fingers


Quote by Baby Joel
Isis is amazing
#26
Quote by Julz127
Thank you.

Bill bailey, "Gravity, is a CIA conspiracy to keep us on earth to stop us floating away."

also when Chris rock goes, "tired, tired, tired, ... tired, tired... "
After you agreed with me you proved my point.
*-)
Quote by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
#27
Quote by SteveHouse
Another stand-up thread you say? I'm okay with this.

If you haven't seen the following:

Lewis Black, Demetri Martin, Mitch Hedberg, Maz Jobrani, hell the whole of the Axis of Evil tour, Dat Phan, Chris Rock, Aziz Ansari, Jim Gaffigan (esp. Beyond the Pale), Eddie Izzard, or the others I forgot

then you're missing out.


this with louis c.k and Ralphie May and daniel tosh and that one guy froms grandmas boy. his name escapes me
Get Busy Livin' Or Get Busy Dyin'.
#28
Quote by MAX-182
this with louis c.k and Ralphie May and daniel tosh and that one guy froms grandmas boy. his name escapes me

Nick Swardson?
Begin again in the night, let's sway again tonight.
Your arm on my shoulder, your cheek against mine.
Where can we go, when will we find that, we know.
#29
Quote by MAX-182
this with louis c.k and Ralphie May and daniel tosh and that one guy froms grandmas boy. his name escapes me

Tosh is to comedy what your avatar is to beer: Sort of similar, but terrible.

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#30
There's a disturbing lack of david cross in this thread
Quote by Kensai

It's the pit; nelson mandela could make a thread urging everyone to do an effort towards reducing apartheid politics in some countries and everyone would post a photoshop of him with a melon hat.
#31
Quote by element4433
After you agreed with me you proved my point.


Well, I'm not gonna get into an argument with a mod, so whatever.
return 0;

Quote by jsync
And I've eaten at some of Australia's best pizzerias.



SOUNDCLOUD
. com / fancy-elle
#32
Quote by Julz127
Well, I'm not gonna get into an argument with a mod, so whatever.
You can.

I'd win. But you can.
*-)
Quote by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
#34
"I used to play poker with Tarot cards. One time I got a full house and four people died" - The infinitely quotable Stephen Wright
time machine. Inadvertently, I had created a
#35
Quote by iceman_8319
"I used to play poker with Tarot cards. One time I got a full house and four people died" - The infinitely quotable Stephen Wright




"I went to a restaurant and the menu said breakfast anytime, so I ordered French toast during the renaissance."
#36
i had an ant farm once, them fellas didnt grow shit.
Quote by KTFM
Dammit, Snorlax! This is why we can't have nice things!!


Quote by Xiaoxi
AWWWWWWWWW FUCK NAW!!!!!!!



ಠ_ಠ
#37
Quote by SteveHouse
Another stand-up thread you say? I'm okay with this.

If you haven't seen the following:

Lewis Black, Demetri Martin, Mitch Hedberg, Maz Jobrani, hell the whole of the Axis of Evil tour, Dat Phan, Chris Rock, Aziz Ansari, Jim Gaffigan (esp. Beyond the Pale), Eddie Izzard, or the others I forgot

then you're missing out.

"I love baked potatoes. But I don't have a microwave and it takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes, I'll throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because when it's done, who knows!"
#38
At the moment it's Stewart Lee. Video rather than a quote because comedy that's meant to be heard becomes slightly more shit when it's read.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JljGYrdDCek

There's also Bill Bailey, Sean Lock, Milton Jones, Dara O'Briain, Chris Morris and 100 others.
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
#39
Mike Birbiglia

(entirely from memory, as sad as it is that I've memorized this entire album)

"I mean, George Bush seems like a FUN guy. He's like the guy you invite to the picnic because you know he's going to start the whiffle ball game. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony. Everyone's like. "Hey, Whiffle Ball Tony's here! All right! It is SO ON!", and then one day somebody's like, "We're gonna put Tony in charge of EVERYTHING, and I'm like "We ARRRREEE?! The burgers AND the potato salad? I don't think that's such a good idea..."

Then he starts going over to other people's lawns, challenging THEM to whiffle ball games. He's like, "I heard you bitches wanna play whiffle ball?!", and they're like, "We did say that...", but then he start chucking hamburgers at them. We're like, "Tony?! What are you doing, man?!", and he's like, "THEY WERE GONNA CHUCK HAMBURGERS AT ME!" But, then it turns out, they don't even HAVE hamburgers. They have hot dogs, but they only throw them at each other, so it's cool.

Then everyone's like, "Maybe we shouldn't have gone with Whiffle Ball Tony, maybe we should've gone with Bookworm Steve?" But he's SO BORING. And then someone's like, "What about Ralph? We could have gone with Ralph.", and we're like, "SHUT UP, RALPH! This is no time for joking..."

[/bit]


Goddamn is Birbigs amazing. My #2 favorite comedian ever.
Voted 3rd Friendliest User of UG 2010

BUILD A TIME MACHINE, AND JERK OFF IN IT, AND SEND IT TO HITLER!


Saxo-Walrus

Steam & PSN ID: Panopticon20
#40
Tim Minchin

Something like...

"My daughter is at the age now where she is picking things up and putting them in her mouth, she did this the other day and I went up to her and said, "what have you got there? Spit it out. C'mon......ewww coins are dirty, you don't but coins in your mouth. "Your mouth is for chewing food.....and when your a little older, ****."

"My wife was like "Tim, you can't say that!!"........"She might like pussy..."
Quote by lambofgod127
btw im in hs and im almost 18 so if u do think she was flirting with me dont say that its wrong im almost a grown man.




༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽ WE ARE ROB ༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽
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