#1
Kind of depressed, and in the midst of said depression this sort of jumped at me. .

feedback appreciated

Come one come all
To the grand ball
Reality loses its hold
You're marionettes
Now dance my new pets
You're under my control

This one's named Corey
And this one's named Kate
They're constantly switching
From love to hate
Corey's depressed
Kate's always hard pressed
I guess this is just their fate

One day Corey's sick
Of all of Kate's shit
He thinks that she's gone insane
Kate stares at his knife
As she begs for her life
And he plunges it deep in her brain

Come one come all
To the grand ball
Reality loses its hold
You're marionettes
Now dance my new pets
You're under my control

I'm in the mood for a story that's fun
Though you may just call it unhinged
This is the story of Anthony Dunn
Revenge is the drink that he binged

You've heard it before
His school is a chore
He gets nothing but abuse
He appeals to those jerks
But it seems nothing works
He cries in his bed in recluse

One day it's too much
He's sick of his grudge
He decides that it's finally time
The steel it feels cool
As he shoots up his school
For a big happy end to this rhyme

Come one come all
To the grand ball
Reality loses its hold
You're marionettes
Now dance my new pets
You're under my control

These are the stories you seem to ignore
They're shoved in the back of your mind
Everyday situations that you just abhor
And forget about those left behind

You ask for a show
But then you say no
But you know that the show must go on
So I whip up a play
And perform it all day
But all of you just move along

Come one come all
To the grand ball
Reality loses its hold
You're marionettes
Now dance my new pets
You're under my control

Come one come all
To the grand ball
Reality loses its hold
You're marionettes
Now dance my new pets
You're under my control
Last edited by Vash_15 at Sep 14, 2010,
#2
Eek. Perhaps it's just personal taste but you should never include the actual meaning of the piece. Part of a piece's appeal is in the mystery. If it's done well, if it's intriguing, it keeps the reader interested, it's appreciated. If there's nothing to learn because you've revealed it all, why even bother reading the work in the first place?

You're young yet and apparently new at writing, so I won't try and destroy this. Just practice, drop the cheesiness, read more, and you can revisit this idea with a better scheme, vocabulary, and style. Try The Screwtape Letters for a book, perhaps.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#3
Yeah, I see what you're saying, just most of the time when I show friends a song the first thing they'll ask is what it means