#1
your image is potent
a topic of hypnosis
when you reach for my chocolate
it gets stuck between your teeth

and the relief was eventual
it flowed like lead off a pencil
and there's nothing you can't do

and if you're good I might break another square off for you

a negligible carry
you're not getting enough vitamins
to warrant the extension
of my hand

a pain in the neck, this gravity
as you sink slowly to the sea
and there's literally nothing you can do

and if you're good I might throw you a rubber ring
and then we'll see if you can swim

miserably stalling
all fat thumbs and no opposibility
what did evoloution ever do for you?

and if you're good to me I might be sweet too
and see to you this afternoon
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 15, 2010,
#2
This isn't bad. I definitely like the imagery. The line "I might be sweet too" is particularly interesting in the context of the rest of the song. The only line I didn't really like was the one about vitamins. Seemed kinda lame to me. The rest of it is pretty good though. It's very original, that's for sure. Originality is important, so good job. Keep it up.

Crit mine if you've got the time.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.