#1
Dark Forest

This Curse within me
Is coursing through my veins
I am losing my senses
Don’t know if I’ll die

This Cry within me
Is pulling me down to my knees
I am crawling through this Forest

This Dark Howl Corrupts Me
A Beast takes over
This Forest calls to me
I have lost my humanity

The call arises
The blood boils
They pray for death
But not by my hand

He follows me
His Scythe carving the dirt
Dragging away the unfortunate souls

This curse is mine
Accepted within me
I hunger from it
I live for it

As I walk before you
I am not the man you knew
It’s the Gallows time

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Which do you like more, this

The Reaper lingers
Flesh torn by his Scythe
Unfortunate souls dragged away

or this

He follows me
His Scythe carving the dirt
Dragging away the unfortunate souls

Edit: I added more lines
------------------------------------------------
Most likely for a Death Or Black Metal song.
Last edited by KnightsTemplar at Sep 21, 2010,
#3
Lolz, not what I had in mind, I could always change the title; to something that would also fit the song, but I think its fine as is.
#5
If you were to write about an emotional journey, half of it you'll be getting deeper into the drama of the situation then there would be a second half of understanding, change and recovery, at which point you would come out the otherside a changed person.
#6
It may not be a emotional journey, and you don't always come out a changed person. If anything I would end it with death, but I think its fine as is. Although I see your point, that just isn't quite what I was going for. Well written though?
#7
I like it, a really nice theme to it. There are a couple of points with which the rythm confuses me. I think it would really do the song a lot off justice if you made it longer. It would allow you to explore the theme more. Overall, it is pretty well written, maybe just change the wording slightly at points and try to make it longer.
#8
Quote by TheRavager
I like it, a really nice theme to it. There are a couple of points with which the rythm confuses me. I think it would really do the song a lot off justice if you made it longer. It would allow you to explore the theme more. Overall, it is pretty well written, maybe just change the wording slightly at points and try to make it longer.


I think the same thing, I wrote it about a year ago, so I will most likely try and make it longer. I believe I know which part where the rhythm is a little off, and I will try and fix that.
#9
Dark Forest

This Curse within me
Is coursing through my veins
I am losing my senses
Don’t know if I’ll die

This Cry within me
Is pulling me down to my knees
I am crawling through this Forest

This Dark Howl Corrupts Me
A Beast takes over
This Forest calls to me
I have lost my humanity

The call arises
The blood boils
They pray for death
But not by my hand

The Reaper lingers
Flesh torn by his Scythe
Unfortunate souls dragged away

This curse is mine
Accepted within me
I hunger from it
I live for it

As I walk before you
I am not the man you knew
It’s the Gallows time

Alright here is the extended version of the song that I just wrote, tell me what you think.
-------
Edit: I changed the two lines you didn't like and I think it flows better now. Although I am still not sure about the "Flesh torn by his Scythe" line, I may change it again if I think of something better.
Last edited by KnightsTemplar at Sep 20, 2010,
#10
My apologies for the late C4C!

The Reaper lingers
The flesh rent by his Scythe
^^Did not like this

This curse is mine
Accepted within me
I hunger from it
I live for it
^^I like this verse the best

As I walk before you
Do not stay the noose
^^Did not like this

This is very good other than the lines i didnt like...
Keep writing!

P.S It would be better to edit the changes in your original post some people dont have the time to read the comments and might not see the update.
#11
Yes I will most likely change those two lines that you didn't like. After rereading it today, they don't fit.
I might make it Flesh rent by his Scythe instead of The flesh rent by his Scythe.

I might take the "Do not stay the noose line" out completely because I actually think it sounds better without it. I will reread it a few more times before changing it.

Thanks for the critique and I am glad you liked most of it.

---------------
Edit: I changed the two lines you didn't like and I think it flows better now. Although I am still not sure about the "Flesh torn by his Scythe" line, I may change it again if I think of something better.
Last edited by KnightsTemplar at Sep 20, 2010,
#12
I'm really liking the extended version. I'm still seeing a couple of instances where words could be changed around or something. Also, I'm not sure if the part about the reaper fits to be honest. But, other than that, major improvement. I really like it
#13
Alright, good to hear anyway. I will reread it a few times later today and see if I can find any parts that could be improved/changed.
#14
Hmmmmm, I reread it again to day, and I can honestly say that aside from the section about the reaper, it has a nice flow to it. The more I read it the more I like it. Especially this:
This curse is mine
Accepted within me
I hunger from it
I live for it
That has a really nice feel to it. Keep it up man
#15
Quote by TheRavager
Hmmmmm, I reread it again to day, and I can honestly say that aside from the section about the reaper, it has a nice flow to it. The more I read it the more I like it. Especially this:
This curse is mine
Accepted within me
I hunger from it
I live for it
That has a really nice feel to it. Keep it up man


Thanks a lot. I am always glad to hear people liking my work. I agree, that line sounds really nice and I just kind of wrote it without thinking. Thanks to you guys though and your critiquing, I improved the song.
#16
Quote by KnightsTemplar

This Dark Howl Corrupts Me
A Beast takes over
This Forest calls to me
I have lost my humanity

The whole time I read this part, all I could think of was that Skillet song "feel like a monster" haha. It was pretty good overall
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#17
Quote by Clutch32192
The whole time I read this part, all I could think of was that Skillet song "feel like a monster" haha. It was pretty good overall


Thank you, glad you like it, although I have never heard of that song.
#18
What do you guys think of the new version of the song? I think it is finally complete, the most recent version is at the top.