#1
Some people have said this is one of my best pieces, but I'd like to get more objective feedback. You know, from people who aren't my friends. I don't mean to sound cocky, but I know it's good. I just don't know how good really. I know there's a few lines that might need changing, and I'd like to get UG's feedback on which ones. Anyway, crit for crit of course.


American Mannequin

I am her rotting little plaything
With acrylic eyes and plastic flesh
No voluntary articulation
I came complete with a cigarette
I'm a fake and vacant fucking doll
I crowned myself with a noose of thorns
She's a darling with a seductive touch
And blood cascades from her open sores
Blood cascades from her open sores

I'm American
I'm a mannequin
I'm American
I'm a mannequin

I am her rotting little plaything
Maggots crawl inside my hair
She's my drug of choice, my suicide
She's the only thing that's really there
I wanna be under her skin (REALLY want to change that line...)
She digs her nails into my back
And tells me to sing her to sleep
I'm waiting for a premeditated heart attack
Waiting for a premeditated heart attack

I'm American
I'm a mannequin
I'm American
I'm a mannequin

I am her rotting little plaything
Blood cascades from her open sores
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#2
First of all, you are right, it's good...just a couple things that could use some work in my opinion....

I am her rotting little plaything
With acrylic eyes and plastic flesh
No voluntary articulation (I think this line may need to be longer, the flow seems a bit off with the adjacent lines - its a really good line...maybe it can be fixed through annunciation...)
I came complete with a cigarette
I'm a fake and vacant ****ing doll
I crowned myself with a noose of thorns (I don't particularly like this line either...too close to the "crown of thorns" idea...maybe that's what you were going for, but I would change this one, it detracts form the rest of the work that is really good.)
She's a darling with a seductive touch
And blood cascades from her open sores
Blood cascades from her open sores

I'm American
I'm a mannequin
I'm American
I'm a mannequin
(Don't like the chorus - its ok, but it seems thrown in...I actually think the mannequin part works well, but I the American part could go...just my opinion.)

I am her rotting little plaything
Maggots crawl inside my hair
She's my drug of choice, my suicide
She's the only thing that's really there (I think you should try to change one of the She's at the beginning of these lines - I would actually just get rid of both She's as the subject "she" is mentioned throughout and specifically in the next line.)
I wanna be under her skin (REALLY want to change that line...)(I agree - maybe you could wear her skin, or she could wear yours...just a though, it's kind of gruesome like the rest of the song)
She digs her nails into my back
And tells me to sing her to sleep
I'm waiting for a premeditated heart attack
Waiting for a premeditated heart attack
(this verse really kind of trails off...overall I think the first verse is significantly better than the second...it seems kind of unfinished. I would look at rewriting the "nails into back" and "sing her to sleep" lines to fit better with the overall imagery....maybe something like:
"she claws her nails through my back"
"and drifts into a demonic trance"
Again just ideas I am throwing out...not necessarily something for you to use....)

I'm American
I'm a mannequin
I'm American
I'm a mannequin

Again the same comments on the chorus...

I am her rotting little plaything
Blood cascades from her open sores


Overall this is a really quality song. I think that it can definitely be improved, but I think it would be worth it....Hope my comments help with that....

If you get a chance crit one of mine: Reeferdale, Ocho Rio Beauty Queen, or Hypocrites and Magic....

KR
#3
Quote by dethskar0
Some people have said this is one of my best pieces, but I'd like to get more objective feedback. You know, from people who aren't my friends. I don't mean to sound cocky, but I know it's good. I just don't know how good really. I know there's a few lines that might need changing, and I'd like to get UG's feedback on which ones. Anyway, crit for crit of course.


American Mannequin

I am her rotting little plaything
With acrylic eyes and plastic flesh
No voluntary articulation
I came complete with a cigarette
I'm a fake and vacant fucking doll
I crowned myself with a noose of thorns
She's a darling with a seductive touch
And blood cascades from her open sores
Blood cascades from her open sores

I'm American
I'm a mannequin
I'm American
I'm a mannequin
^^I'm a mannequin
marks of her love fill me
I'm a mannequin
scars of her hate flow down my skin
My half assed suggestion at a chorus,i dont care if you dont take it but pls come up with something better i dont like what you have.


I am her rotting little plaything
Maggots crawl inside my hair
She's my drug of choice, my suicide
She's the only thing that's really there
I wanna be under her skin (REALLY want to change that line...)
^^I cant seem to see beyond her pale skin
She digs her nails into my back
And tells me to sing her to sleep
^^cliche
A wishper asks to be sung to sleep

I'm waiting for a premeditated heart attack
Waiting for a premeditated heart attack

I'm American
I'm a mannequin
I'm American
I'm a mannequin
^^I'm a mannequin
Her blood has filthed me
I'm a mannequin
Grieving,because i wont leave (the idea i want to convey is that she is treated ill and fed up but still cares for 'her' and will stay with her until thrown away i'm sure you can word it better)

I am her rotting little plaything
Blood cascades from her open sores

The liines i gave suggestions for i dont like,rest was as usual awesome

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1356783
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 17, 2010,
#4
You can't crown yourself with a noose, as a crown is situated on the head whereas a noose is fastened around ones neck. Bad line.

You may need to spend some time determining how the third line will be delivered, because "articulation" may not be the easiest thing to sing naturally with the rest of the song.

I'm not crazy about the chorus, but if it fits nicely with the song that's all that matters.
#5
First of all, thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I really like all the imagery here and I think the piece flowed very well. And I like the idea behind the song as well. I'm not sure about the swear in the first verse. I just don't find it necessary. Also in the second verse I'm not too fond of the "tells me to sing her..." line. It's just bland and doesn't flow right. Also with the "I want to be inside her" line you could change it to "I want to crawl inside her flesh". Cliche, I know, but it fits the tone of the piece better. Anyways, nice job, man
#6
Quote by dethskar0

American Mannequin

I am her rotting little plaything
^^Great way to kick it off. Set's a mood well.
With acrylic eyes and plastic flesh
No voluntary articulation
I came complete with a cigarette
I'm a fake and vacant fucking doll
I crowned myself with a noose of thorns
^^Great imagery here.
She's a darling with a seductive touch
And blood cascades from her open sores
Blood cascades from her open sores
^^For me this was the best stanza, it's just very well spoken with a lot of imagery and great words.


I'm American
I'm a mannequin
I'm American
I'm a mannequin
^^This chorus, is definitely the weakest point of this whole lyric. I gotta say, I really don't like it. The mannequin part really needs to be there, but the American part really just feels out of place. Off the top of my head,

Just like a puppet,
I'm a mannequin.
Without my freedom,
I'm just a mannequin.


I am her rotting little plaything
^^For some reason, I really like the repeated line.
Maggots crawl inside my hair
She's my drug of choice, my suicide
^^I don't like the end of this line. Maybe,
She'll be my end, my only breaking point.

She's the only thing that's really there
I wanna be under her skin
^^The only thing I could think of for this line was,
I wanna get under her soft skin,

She digs her nails into my back
And tells me to sing her to sleep
^^Maybe something like,
She knows I'm in too deep

I'm waiting for a premeditated heart attack
Waiting for a premeditated heart attack

I'm American
I'm a mannequin
I'm American
I'm a mannequin
^^Same thoughts about the chorus.

I am her rotting little plaything
Blood cascades from her open sores
^^Nice finish.


For the most part, I see why people think this is your best piece, it's very good, it's just got it's weak point's like every good lyric.
8/10
Great work. Keep it up.
#7
^Thanks for the crit. All of you guys are helping me out a lot with this piece as I'm trying to perfect it. Thanks guys.

Anyone else got any ideas?
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.