#1
Ok so this is a song that my band Hollywood Mob wrote a while ago and I think it's one of our best so far. Have a read a see what you think, it would be nice to get some constructive criticism :-)

http://www.myspace.com/hollywoodmob117 <------------ If your intersted.


She crawls the street to find the reason why
She threw herself in the back of a car
For a reason we'll never know why
Her skin pores and arteries are filled up with tar

He shot his son in the back of the head
A material inbred I can't understand
He gave his word it would be for the best
Scum like you son should be layed to rest

I am a poet for a tortured soul
A sarcastic product from the word go
Give me a reason to self destruct
A culture of vanity and the bulimic slut

He shot his son in the back of the head
A material inbred I can't understand
He gave his word it would be for the best
Scum like you son should be laid to rest

Stale thoughts are running through my mind
I thank the lord here for turning me blind
Tear my airbag and fill it with glue
A happier ending for me and for you

He shot his son in the back of the head
A material inbred I can't understand
He gave his word it would be for the best
Scum like you son shoulf be laid to rest


The song goes on and repeats the verses as if they were choruses.
Thanks
Jack :-)
#2
I really like the dark tone of this piece. It feels very morbid and griity without being over the top. I really wasn't a fan of the first verse though. Rhyming "why" with it self doesn't sit well with me and the last line seemed too long. The chorus was better and the second verse was really good, especially the first two lines. Anyways, I enjoyed reading this and I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
Homesick
#3
I also don't like the fact that two lines in the first stanza end in the word "why" and both have the word "reason" in them. It's kind of redundant. The piece isn't bad, but it kind of goes off on tangents to me. It's kind of hard to figure out what the songs about because it seems like every line is about a different subject. I'd try figuring out what your subject matter really is, and focus on that. The lyrics just seem to go in way too many different directions to be a good song to me. Also, the line "A sarcastic product from the word go" doesn't make sense. There are some lines in here that are really good, but like I said, the piece as a whole is way too unfocused. Definitely one of those situations where the whole is nowhere near as good as the sum of its parts. You have potential as a songwriter though. Keep writing and you should get better.

Crit mine please.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
Last edited by dethskar0 at Sep 16, 2010,
#4
Ok here it goes...

She crawls the street to find the reason why
She threw herself in the back of a car
For a reason we'll never know why
Her skin pores and arteries are filled up with tar
Like the last two posts I don't like the rhyming of why with itself. The timing and flow of this verse seem off as well, but maybe that's just me. Again, I don't like using reason twice in a stanza this short either.

He shot his son in the back of the head
A material inbred I can't understand
He gave his word it would be for the best
Scum like you son should be layed to rest (laid)
This stanza I actually really like. The lines flow really well, and it carries a definitive sinister vibe. Think if you are going to use this as the chorus it needs to be built into the rest of the song a little bit better. It seems every verse is an idea on its own...it might be more effective to take a couple good ideas and run with them...


I am a poet for a tortured soul
A sarcastic product from the word go
Give me a reason to self destruct
A culture of vanity and the bulimic slut
Like I said before, this seems like a new idea, presented by a new "character"...The girl from the first stanza is already forgotten...


He shot his son in the back of the head
A material inbred I can't understand
He gave his word it would be for the best
Scum like you son should be laid to rest
While I like this stanza/chorus it might be over used if it applied every other verse. Longer stanzas would fix this.

Stale thoughts are running through my mind
I thank the lord here for turning me blind
Tear my airbag and fill it with glue
A happier ending for me and for you
This stanza could be coupled with the previous one where you are the subject character. It would take a few subtle changes to really tie them together.

He shot his son in the back of the head
A material inbred I can't understand
He gave his word it would be for the best
Scum like you son shoulf be laid to rest

Thats my thoughts on this one...overall the mood and the ideas are pretty good. I think that this could be turned into something pretty cool with a bit of work and a little more imagery to tie it all together...

If you get a chance take a look at one of mine - Reeferdale, Ocho Rio Beauty Queen, Hypocrites and Magic....

KR