#1
Verse:

Trapped in this hell for far too long
Suffocating inside myself
I try to breathe but the smoke fills my lungs
and the darkness fills my eyes again

Chorus:

?

Verse:
My veins slowly turn to ice
numbing my heart
I try once again to open my eyes
but the darkness is all I can see


**I cannot think of a good chorus... Any help?
#2
what sorta song is this? genre?

What is the story line? what are you going for in it?
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#3
It's a metal song (screaming) with the chorus being sung by our girl singer. The song can be interpretted many ways, but my idea behind it was someone who is gay and is so afraid to come out and say it for fear of the reaction from everyone they love. I plan on writing a bridge/breakdown that shows either and uplift in the song (they finally can say it) or a worse ending (he can't bring himself to do it and maybe kills himself or something.)

But, right now, I'm just focused on the chorus that I can't write >.<
#4
It's interesting that this is about a closeted homosexual. Wouldn't have guessed that. I wouldn't be worried about a chorus until you perfect the verses. They're kind of boring and redundant. As far as the subject matter goes, it's original. But the wording isn't very original at all. I don't like the repeated use of "... fills my..." in the first verse, and using "but the darkness is all I can see" is basically the same thing that you ended the first verse with. It's just a little too redundant. It might be one of those songs where you wouldn't need a chorus. Just have an instrumental chorus after each verse, but I'd make the song longer either way and try to make it less repetitive and more original. I'll be looking for a re-post.

Crit mine if you have the time.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#6
idk (heres my 1 min of thought over it)...
Hiding away
can I last one more day?
Living this lie
thats killing me from inside
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#7
Not every song needs a chorus dude... Especially if it's "more of a musical song than a lyrical song."
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#8
I kind of like the chorus "?"
Very unique never seen a chorus like it b4
#9
And you try to break me out
And I'm trying to break in
I won't leave this place alone
I won't this place

And you try to break me out
They're all trying to break in
I can't leave this place my home
I won't leave this place


ok that was shit but wateva lol


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
#10
All these years in the dark...
Im wasting my heart...
And I can't beleive,
I let it get this far.
All these years in the dark...
Im fighting back my heart
and all that I need,
is to make a new start.


Something like that maybe? idc... I hope it helped.
#11
Quote by KVD...
All these years in the dark...
Im wasting my heart...
And I can't beleive,
I let it get this far.
All these years in the dark...
Im fighting back my heart
and all that I need,
is to make a new start.


Something like that maybe? idc... I hope it helped.



Nice one


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.