#1
What's yalls thoughts on this? I'm not completely done yet. C4C

Verse 1:
Once again
You come home
You look a lil' stoned
and smell of betrayal again

And I've had enough

Of your
Late night meetings
And over friendly greetings
To those you hardly know

But you can't fix it

This time
With three little lies
And tears in your eyes
Trying to draw out the innocence

Chorus:

Sorry
Doesn't work anymore
I've grown up
And given up
On you

Baby
I still love you
Doesn't mean
A single thing
...anymore

thats all i got so far....
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!
#2
Quote by Clutch32192
What's yalls thoughts on this? I'm not completely done yet. C4C

Verse 1:
Once again
You come home
You look a lil' stoned
and smell of betrayal again
^^you begin with "again" and end with "again" i dont like this
And I've had enough

Of your
Late night meetings
And over friendly greetings
To those you hardly know
^^these 4lines i like
But you can't fix it

This time
With three little lies
And tears in your eyes
Trying to draw out the innocence

Chorus:

Sorry
Doesn't work anymore
I've grown up
And given up
On you

Baby
I still love you
Doesn't mean
A single thing
...anymore
^^nice
thats all i got so far....

You need to work some in overall imagery and development of feelings,the theme is nice...I'll probably drop back here to contribute something but right now my mind is blank

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1356783
#3
Quote by BloodCold
You need to work some in overall imagery and development of feelings,the theme is nice...I'll probably drop back here to contribute something but right now my mind is blank

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1356783

Thx for the crit, I plan on changing that line
"You smell like betrayal again" to something like "You smell like betrayal and sin"

Once I get a second verse down, I'll go back and review and rework it all so it flows and works better.

Sure I'll crit it
MIM Tele
Fender Blues Jr NOS
Schecter Omen 6
Squier Strat
Greg Bennett Acoustic
other crap...
If seeing is believing...

...Then believe that we have lost our eyes!!