#1
Jazzy clean on a crunchy background
stills our morning hunger
after long cold nights
in strange beds.

Coltrane's chorus
lingers in our head
like the smoke we breathe
from the air around us.

We feel no desire to stand up,
or take up the day's slow routine.
Sundays are made for this.
Sundays evoke this.

So What embraces us,
and we wander away together
just mentally, I'm not sure of it
we could be walking or dreaming.

Her mother calls from downstairs
but no ears are here to recieve it.
Forever we'll lie here, but maybe
we'll put on our clothes eventually.
#2
I like this, although the first stanza felt redundant, it didn't really bring anything to the piece that you don't explore later on. The references to Jazz were playful, but some of the ideas could have been more original, it would have been nice if you explored the atmosphere of the jazz standards, going beyond mere imagery of ciggarete smoke.
I can see you sort of tried to do that with the 'long, cold nights' but it could have been better executed. I enjoyed this though.
#3
I wrote the first and second stanzas when I was in a completely different mood than when I wrote the rest.
I think you can tell that quite clearly
I'm thinking of making another beginning for the last three verses, and another ending for the first two verses :p
#4
Jazzy clean on a crunchy background
stills our morning hunger
after long cold nights
in strange beds.
This does paint a rather different picture than normal, but we'll see where it leads us to

Coltrane's chorus
lingers in our head
like the smoke we breathe
from the air around us.
Actually these first two stanzas don't really fit the feel of the third one that I just glanced at. But one way to fix that is to make this a suite. Work on these two first stanzas and write a slower song, as if entranced on Coltrane's Chorus or something. And then you can flow the music into a totally different direction to fit the up-coming stanzas

We feel no desire to stand up,
or take up the day's slow routine.
Sundays are made for this.
Sundays evoke this.

Meh. This didn't seem to have anything in it that was truelly great. And so now I can see that this fourth verse is a little more similar to the the preceding (excluding the third stanza.) And so you could still make this one song

So What embraces us,
and we wander away together
just mentally, I'm not sure of it
we could be walking or dreaming.

Her mother calls from downstairs
but no ears are here to recieve it.
Forever we'll lie here, but maybe
we'll put on our clothes eventually.

Now these last couple stanzas sound good. And come to think of it, you never developed the first stanza. So it's like your stoned for the first part, then something completely different for the last three/four verses. I say to make the flow a little smoother, you can just omit the first and third stanza, and have the second stanza as kind of an introduction stanza. Sorry I don't have much to say about this piece, it was well written, just seems like you wrote the first part in a different state of consciousness then the last. And in my opinon, the last part was the best Keep on Writting
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


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