#1
It's more of a poem, but I just wrote it off the top of my head. Any feedback?

As I lay here, in this trodden ditch,
I often dreamt that it would end like this,
Left to die, outside in the woods,
My fate is looming, just like I knew it would.

My hands are broken and my muscles's torn,
I don't feel pain, as I lay in thorns,
I scream for help, but find only sorrow,
I'm left for dead, a blue sky tomorrow.

The trauma grows, anger rising inside,
Tears on my face, no one to confide,
As I look for headlights, I see only dark,
You left me here when you stole my heart.

The water seeps, deep down into my shirt,
It's bitter cold, sleeping here in the dirt,
I think of better times, but I do not understand,
Kill me, finish me now, just by holding my hand.

I speak in truth, but know no boundary,
It's half past one, and no one has found me,
Love takes all, including your soul,
Lifeless and limp, I die alone in the cold.
You, are creating all the bubbles at night...
Last edited by Higgzy at Sep 18, 2010,
#3
Quote by Higgzy
It's more of a poem, but I just wrote it off the top of my head. Any feedback?

As I lay here, in this trodden ditch,
I often dreamt it would end like this,
Left to die, out in the woods,
I'd turn back time, if I only I could.
^^cliche but i cant think of a suggestion...maybe
"Change the hands of time,I wish I could"


My hands are broken and my muscles's torn,
I don't feel pain, as I lay in thorns,
I scream for help, but there's no one here,
I'm left for dead, it's crystal clear.
^^I like this line but you need to change the one above
My suggestion "I scream for help,but encounter an empty stretch"
and since this disrupts the flow,hence my suggestion for last line
"You have left,leaving me for dead"


The trauma grows, anger rising inside,
Tears on my face, no one confides,
^^Should'nt it be "no one to confide"?
As I look for headlights, I see only dark,
You left me here, when you stole my heart.
^^"You left me here,the moment you stole my heart" might sound better?

The water seeps, deep down into my shirt,
It's bitter cold, sleeping here in the dirt,
I think of better times, but I do not understand,
Kill me, finish me now, just by holding my hand.
^^Lovely

I speak in truth, but know no boundary,
It's half past 1, and no one has found me,
Love takes all, including your soul,
Lifeless and limp, I die alone in this hole.
^^ "cold" instead of "hole" might sound better?

I really like the idea.Overall this piece is very good the only lines is didnt like are the ones i suggested changes for.Keep writing!

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1356783
#5
Nice changes especially "I'm left for dead, a blue sky tommorow"
i still dont like the 4th line in verse 1(but that could only be me)