#1
I try to sleep, but there is something stopping me. I'm still not sure what it is that keeps me awake, but i'm pretty sure its you. I lay with my eyes unable to close, trying to think of ways i could a better person. For you. Not for me, not for anyone else. Just for you. For months I've been trying to prove myself and hide myself at the same time. I never once thought of the consequences, until now. I never even wondered whether or not doing that was even possible, until now.
I've come to realize that rolling the dice and hoping for doubles is better than sitting and waiting for an unfound courage to give you the strength to take a gamble.
As hard as it is for me to get up and out of bed with all of these heavy feelings of uncertainty, there is something that keeps me looking ahead. Maybe it's the thought of getting to see your face as it jumps out at me from fifty feet away. Or maybe it's anxiety from the thought of feeling your fingers intertwine with mine. Whatever it is, it's the best and worst feeling I've ever known.

I've never really needed any direction in my life. And now, after attempting to climb a monument of innocence, truths and emotion, i have finally been hit by a realization;
my blind eye may prevent me from seeing what's ahead and above me, but my functional eye points me to the ground and shows me a path that brings me to you. If I'm only right about one thing in this ****ed up world, it's this;

The path that leads me to you, is the path that will lead me home.
#2
I really hate how people use swear words out of nowhere in an otherwise un abusive song so please write "messed up" instead...
Otherwise I like this piece altough a few changes here and there are needed and yeah it would have been nice if you had posted in the form of lyrics instead of para's

But overall nicely doneKeep writing!

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1363218
Last edited by BloodCold at Sep 20, 2010,
#3
^Exactly what she said.
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You look like a young Eugene Levy, but with a moustache.

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Kicking a man when he's down, I'm proud of you

When they're down is the safest time.

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Sharks Stanley Cup 16-17,,,,?
Last edited by skylerjames13 at Sep 20, 2010,
#4
well i wrote this kind of like a monologue. thats why its not in song form. and actually when i first wrote it, it was kind of an angry piece. it was a lot onger and felt more angry with more swearing. i edited a lot, but kept that last but of swearing
#5
It's really nice, but like said before the random swear throws off the vibe. If you wanted that in there, I think you should have it consistent through out the entire song. There are a couple of words or phrases that could be switched up a little bit, but otherwise I really like it.

C4C? The Martyr of Reason
#6
I really don't think there is a problem with him using the phrase "****ed up world".

It's not like you used the word darkness or anything. Don't change it for them.
#7
i used ****ed up because it adds a little edge to it that i kinda wanted. but i definately see how it could change the mood of the piece in a negative way
#9
I think the "****ed up" was a good thing to add. It adds the edginess and uneasiness that you were clearly going for. Good work, could flow a little bit easier, but it's your piece! Do what you feel sounds good.

Feel free to crit mine:
Vessels
You Always Wore Too Much Perfume
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
Last edited by ratmblink123 at Sep 22, 2010,